In A Most Unusual Way
by Christine Ruud
Summary: Paige Matthews's new rule? Never mix a potion when you're angry.
1. Prologue: A Mistake Waiting To Happen

**In A Most Unusual Way **

**Prologue: A Mistake Waiting To Happen**

"You know what?" Piper Halliwell snapped as she blew up yet another demon. "This is getting ridiculous."

"Tell me about it," said Paige Matthews. "They just keep coming."

Piper glared at the only demon that was left in the entryway. "Say hi to your friends for me," she said, raising her hands and blasting the blue-suited man into oblivion. "I am so sick of this."

"I got the spell!" Phoebe Halliwell rushed down the stairs. She surveyed the damage to the living room. "Oops," she said sheepishly. "A little too late, huh?"

"You think so?" asked Piper. "If you want, we can summon a few more and destroy the dining room next."

"Don't bite my head off. It wasn't my idea to invite half the Albanine Demon community over."

"One," Paige said. "I summoned _one _to see if the spell would work."

"Unfortunately," Piper snapped, "that _one_ had backup. Lots and lots of backup."

Phoebe sighed as she dropped the piece of paper she was holding in her hand. "I need a vacation. Between demons and Cole and the newspaper…"

"Cole?" repeated Paige. "I thought he hadn't been around lately."

"That's what's scaring me. I know he's planning something." Phoebe started up the steps. "Call if you need me."

Paige shook her head. "Why didn't she vanquish him in the first place?"

"God only knows," Piper said. She looked at her watch. "Crap. I was supposed to be at the club fifteen minutes ago."

"You can take my car. Or I could orb you."

"Paige?"

"What?"

"Don't grovel."

Paige watched as her sister left the Manor. "I'll just…go make a potion or something," she said.

It really wasn't fair, she decided as she entered the kitchen. You make one mistake with summoning evil and you get treated like _you're _the demon.

"It wasn't my fault." Paige set the pot on the stovetop. "My spell worked…just a little too well. And it's not like I'm the only one who's screwed up witchcraft in this house. Like the time Phoebe…"

She trailed off. The youngest Charmed One couldn't come up with even one instance of either one of her sisters writing a spell that backfired.

"This is stupid," Paige said. She tossed some burdock root into the bubbling water. "I've done a bunch of things right. I helped vanquish the Source of All Evil! Twice!" She rolled her eyes. "A lot of good that did. The first time, the Source came back as Cole and the second time, Phoebe lost her husband." She paused. "Great job, Paige. You're talking to yourself."

The potion was beginning to take shape nicely, although Paige wasn't sure what it would do.

"Now _this _is a mistake waiting to happen," she said to herself. "Isn't this the way the whole body switching thing started?"

Before Paige had time to figure out a way to get rid of the smoking potion, there was a _poof_…and everything went black.

_A/N: This just popped into my head today. I know, I know, I'm supposed to be updating __A Slight Change in Destiny's Plans__, but let's say it all together: "spastic!" _

_And in case you were wondering…this all takes place somewhere between "The Eyes Have It" and "Sympathy for the Demon." _

_I wrote this on Microsoft Word and it's correcting my grammar. _

_Huh. Michelle Branch has a CD called "The Broken Bracelet"? Who knew? _

_All right. I'll quit babbling and post this. _

…_oh yes, one more thing. The title __**will **__make sense with the coming chapters. _


	2. Magic Works in Mysterious Ways

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter One: Magic Works in Mysterious Ways**

"What the hell just happened?"

"Piper? When did you get back from the…wait a minute. Why am I not in my bedroom?"

A shriek.

"Cole? What're you doing here?"

"Phoebe?"

Paige didn't want to open her eyes. Judging from the angry sounds of her sisters, she knew she'd screwed up big time.

She felt someone touch her neck. "There's a pulse. Paige? Paige, wake up."

Opening her eyes, Paige winced in the bright sunlight. "Hi," she said to Phoebe.

"She's alive. Good." Piper stormed over. "So now you can explain what's going on."

"Going on? Why should I know what's going on?"

"Don't play dumb with me. When I left, you said something about making a potion. Now spill. Where are we and why are we there with him?"

Paige looked over to see Cole Turner leaning against a tree. He waved half-heartedly and she groaned. "Messing up big time" didn't even begin to describe this.

"I…I don't know," she answered. "I was mixing some herbs together and then the potion sort of…exploded."

"What were you making?"

"I just threw some stuff together. "

"You what?" screeched Piper.

"Easy," Phoebe said. "It can't be that bad. When the…the whatever-it-was blew up, maybe Paige orbed and ended up here."

"How does that explain us being here? And what about Mr. Demonic-Powers-To-No-End over there?"

"Leave me out of this," said Cole.

"Yeah, well, unfortunately, you're in it whether you want to be or not." Piper turned back to Paige, who was standing up stiffly. "What did you put in it?"

"Dill…ragged robin…powdered toadstool…burdock root-"

"Great," said Piper. "We're probably in some other dimension now."

"Huh?"

"Paige, burdock root is extremely powerful. You could've been killed."

"But I wasn't."

"I wouldn't say you're out of danger just yet," muttered Cole.

"Shut up," Piper ordered.

Paige looked around. Wherever they were, it wasn't San Francisco. They were outside of a building with a large sign that proclaimed "Vast Western High School."

"Odd place to transport us to," said Cole.

Piper waved her hand at him. Instead of the customary freeze, there was nothing. She tried again, and was only met with a smirk.

"Powers down?" Cole asked.

"This is bad," she said. "This is really bad. Paige, try to orb."

Paige closed her eyes and waited for the familiar disembodied sensation. "It's not working."

"I can't levitate," added Phoebe.

"Cole," Paige said, "do that disappearing thing."

"Already tried."

"So we're stuck here?" demanded Piper.

"That's not all," Phoebe said, a sinking feeling growing in the pit of her stomach. "Look at the license plates on the cars."

Piper glanced at one on a red Taurus. "Oh…my…God."

"Bright side? I've always wanted to visit Minnesota."

Cole snorted. "Great job, Paige."

"Cole, if you don't have anything helpful to say-"

"Don't start. I'm not the one who got us sent here."

"You two are missing the point," Piper said. "We have no powers and we're two thousand miles from home! Arguing isn't going to help us now."

"What I don't understand is why we're here," Phoebe said. "I mean, I said I wanted a vacation, but this isn't exactly what I had in mind." She shook her head. "Magic works in mysterious ways, but this takes the cake."

"We're probably supposed to learn something from this," said Piper. "What that something is, I don't know."

"I am so sorry," Paige said.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"Piper!" Phoebe widened her eyes at her older sister.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not having a good day here. First our house is practically destroyed by demons, and then the band scheduled to play at P3 tonight cancels, and now we're stuck in the middle of freaking nowhere! Couldn't you have at least included Leo in this little potion of yours?" Piper let out a frustrated breath and sat down on the bench next to the sidewalk.

"You guys, I think we'd better get out of here before school lets out," Phoebe said.

"It's only one-thirty," said Paige, checking her watch.

"We're in Central Time now," Phoebe began as she took off her watch and began to set it for their new time zone, "which means it's now three-thirty."

As if on cue, the doors to the high school swung open and a group of boys stormed out.

"You're retarded!"

"You know what? Shut up!"

"Ohhh, he's getting mad. Better be careful."

"Ack! He's gonna blow!"

"Makes me glad I never went to a regular high school," Cole muttered.

"Yeah, where did you go to school, exactly?" Paige asked him.

"Not the time." Piper gave her sister a shove. "Move it."

"Where are we moving it to, exactly?"

"I don't know. We'll find a gas station and call home."

"Why don't we just call for Leo?" suggested Paige.

"Because I have a feeling that if we don't have powers anymore, he won't be able to hear us or sense us, which means he's probably going out of his mind right now."

"How would he know you were gone?"

"He was at the club with me."

"Oops."

"That seems to be the word of the day," Phoebe said. She squinted. Across the parking lot and on the other side of the road, there was a gas station. "'Gas and Bait,' " she read aloud. "Now I know I'm in the Midwest."

Before the four could start over to the station, there was a screech and a thud from behind them. Paige turned around and saw a redheaded girl pick herself up from the sidewalk. "Great," she sighed. "I think I just lost half of my science notes."

"Are you okay?" Paige asked. She grabbed a piece of paper that had blown over to her. Johanna Carlson, Sophomore Chemistry, Total Nightmare was written across the top.

"Yeah, I'm just a complete idiot." The girl brushed herself off and took the piece of paper Phoebe was holding. "Thanks. I'm…I'm going nuts if you're who I think you are."

"What?"

The girl bit her bottom lip and grinned. "What's your name?"

Paige opened her mouth to reply, but Piper grabbed her arm and pulled her off to the side. "How do you know she's not a demon?"

"Piper, she just fell on her face. That's not demonic, that's klutzy," Cole put in.

"And you would know about demonic, wouldn't you?" Phoebe asked. "I really wish you would be quiet and let us handle this."

"And how're you doing with handling it so far?"

Phoebe groaned, annoyed. "Piper, I wish you could freeze him. Or better yet, blow him up."

"Okay," the girl said. "Time out. I'm not a demon. I'm a perfectly abnormal fifteen-year-old-Johanna, to be exact."

"You know about demons?" Phoebe asked.

"I know about you guys too."

"Prove it," said Piper.

"'Kay." Johanna put her hands on her hips. "You're Piper Halliwell, married to Leo Wyatt, who died back in the forties. You're pregnant now with an intensely magical child." She turned to Paige. "You're Paige Matthews. Not married, no kids, but you're getting to be a pretty good witch-slash-Whitelighter."

Piper and Phoebe exchanged glances.

Johanna cast her gaze to Phoebe. "You," she said with slightly more malice in her voice. "Phoebe Halliwell. Middle sister. Married once, to Cole Turner, who, at the time, was under the control of the Source of All Evil—not by his own free will, mind you."

"Let's hear it. I've got some support," Cole said from down the road, where he'd meandered over to while Johanna had introduced herself.

"Wha…is th…oh my…" Johanna clapped her hand over her mouth. "I don't know how this happened, but it's amazing."

"Well, I feel inferior," grumbled Piper. "Miss Smartass over there doesn't even seem impressed about us, the protectors of the innocent, but she's having a heart attack over Cole? Something's not right here."

"Tell us about him," Phoebe said to Johanna, pointing at Cole.

"His name is Cole Turner," Johanna said slowly. "You three vanquished him when he was possessed" (she paused for a moment to let the word sink in) "by the Source."

"How do you know all this?" Piper asked.

"Do you want the honest answer to that?"

Piper glared at her.

"You're a television show."

There was a moment of complete silence.

"What?"

"Are you telling me that we don't exist?"

"I wish I would've just punched a pillow or something."

Johanna winced at the Charmed Ones' reactions to her announcement. The only person who remained unfazed was Cole, who raised his eyebrows. "This is going to be interesting."

"Wait a minute," said Phoebe. "How can we be sure that you're not lying? This could be some demonic plot."

Johanna set her notebooks and textbooks down on the bench. She pushed the door to the building open. "Follow me."

"I don't like this," Piper said softly as they walked into the lobby of the Vast Western High School. Johanna started down the hallway to the left, and Paige followed her.

"Do you honestly think demons are going to attack us in a random high school?" Phoebe asked. "Besides, no demon has been able to take our powers without us knowing about it."

"Oh yeah? Remember that Tuatha thing? And Aunt Gail?"

Johanna led them into the computer lab and sat down at the one closest to the door. She clicked on the internet and began to type.

"How is this going to prove anything?" asked Piper.

"Just wait."

After about thirty seconds, Johanna triumphantly lifted her fingers from the keyboard. "Read and weep."

"'Charmed is an American television series that ran for eight seasons on The WB.'" Phoebe grabbed the mouse and scrolled down. "'The story of Charmed began with the three Halliwell sisters—Prue, Piper, and Phoebe—coming together six months after the death of their grandmother.' Oh my God. Piper, Paige, she wasn't joking."

"How do you know this isn't all made up?" Piper asked.

"Unless something's changed since the last time I checked, Wikipedia isn't run by demons. And besides, this is way too detailed to be fabricated. There's stuff about Prue, Paige, Leo, Darryl, even Andy. But who's Chris?"

"Is there stuff about me?" asked Cole.

"It says you're a 'tormented half-demon.' Funny, I thought they'd say 'tormenter,'" Paige said.

"You're about as funny as a funeral, you know that?"

"Is no one else freaked out that we don't exist?" Piper demanded. "Because I know that I am."

"Paige's potion probably zapped us into an alternate reality somehow," said Phoebe. "All we need to do is figure out how to get back."

"But we don't have our powers anymore," said Paige.

"And whose fault is that?"

"I said I was sorry."

"It's like when she nearly killed you," murmured Johanna.

Phoebe shook her head. "How can anyone know so much about our lives? It's like it's public knowledge!"

"It is, in this reality." Johanna raised her eyebrows. "Yeah, this is getting to be like The Twilight Zone." She looked around the lab. "And speaking of the fact that people know who you are, you guys had probably better come with me."

"What?" Piper said. "Why?"

"You're coming home with me."

"Oh, no. We couldn't. We have to fix this."

"You can fix it at my house. I don't think Lutheran schools have a great supply of magical herbs."

"And you do?"

"No, but at least I have cooking supplies." Johanna got up. "And besides, my mother will flip if you four walk through the back door."

"Give us a minute to discuss this." Phoebe pulled her sisters off to the side. "What do you think? Should we trust her?"

"I do," said Paige. "If she was a demon or a warlock, she would have tried to kill us by now."

"Piper, what do you think?"

Piper sighed. "I think we don't have any other choice. Let's go."

"Hey, don't I have a say in this?" Cole asked.

"Nope."

"I'm glad you're so understanding about all of this."

"Look, buddy, I didn't want to go on this little journey across time and space, so forgive me if I'm not the most pleasant witch right now!"

"Uh, you guys?" Johanna stood up from the computer. "The 'W' word isn't such a great thing to be hollering around this place. So if we can just amble out to my Jeep, that'd be great."

Piper stormed out of the computer lab, with Phoebe and Paige following behind her. Johanna glanced at Cole, gave a thrilled screech, and followed them.

Cole rolled his eyes. "Why didn't I just stay in the Wasteland?


	3. A Bright Side

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Two: A Bright Side**

"I am not sitting next to him," Phoebe hissed to Piper.

"I'm not getting in that vehicle," said Paige. "It looks like it's going to fall apart."

Johanna smiled at the sisters' reactions to her black Jeep. "I could drive back home, get my father's pickup truck, and then come back to get you. It'd take about an hour, but I'm sure the janitors would love to hang out with you."

"Point taken," Phoebe admitted.

Piper peered through the dusty windows. "It doesn't look like it would have room for the four of us plus you."

"It does," said Johanna. "I think I've been able to get eleven people in so far."

"And is that legal in Minnesota?" Cole asked.

"If half the stuff people did around here was, the law system would be a very sad establishment." Johanna opened the driver's side door. "Hop in."

Piper yanked the back door open. She slid in, follow by Paige and Phoebe. Cole stuck his head in. "Any room back there?" he asked.

"Nope." Phoebe pulled the door shut, nearly decapitating her ex-husband in the process.

Cole opened the door to the passenger side and got in. "Well, it's just you and me and the three faces of rage back there," he said to Johanna.

"I think I just forgot how to drive," she swooned, putting her head on the steering wheel momentarily.

"Great," said Piper.

Johanna started the Jeep, and it rolled out of the parking space. "Hang on. Our parking lot isn't the greatest."

As if to illustrate the point, the Jeep lurched over a pothole, causing the three sisters in the back to fly into the air. Phoebe yelped and Johanna shrugged. "I can't say you didn't deserve that."

"Okay, what is with the sniping?" Phoebe asked. "I haven't done anything to you."

"What was the last thing you guys dealt with in your witchy lives?"

"Gypsies."

"Oh, so you haven't acted like you had absolutely no heart and made Cole take back demonic powers yet."

"Huh?"

"Whoa," Piper said. "We don't need any future information, thank you very much. And how _would _you know our future, anyway?"

"Because, in this reality, it's 2007."

"Wow," Paige breathed. "I think that potion really packed a punch."

"Paige!" shrieked Piper. "You…how…we're never gonna get home!"

"Just breathe. We're going to figure out a way to get back," said Phoebe. "I don't know _how_, but we will."

Paige buried her head in her hands. _If there's a way to impeach a witch, I think that's what I'm in for_, she decided as the Jeep turned a corner.

"Anybody want anything?" Johanna asked. "I've got to fill up my gas tank. Dad'll kill me if it gets below a quarter of a tank."

"I could use a Valium," Piper said.

"You'd have to go to Hy-Vee for that."

"Hy-what?"

"Never mind." Johanna parked the Jeep by a gas pump and got out. "I'll be back soon. Don't vanquish each other."

The group sat in sullen silence for a full minute.

"Look, I like this about as much as you three do," Cole said, twisting around in his seat to face the sisters. "Being trapped in rural Minnesota isn't any more my idea of a good time than it is yours, all right?"

"You know what _would _be my idea of a good time?" asked Piper.

"Blowing me up?"

"Bingo."

Phoebe laid her head back. "This is insane. We need a divider."

"You need to take Cole back," Johanna said from outside the vehicle. "It's not very soundproof in there."

"I do not believe her," said Phoebe.

"What is with the intense admiration for Cole? It's…ugh." Paige shuddered.

"Thanks a lot," said Cole.

Piper opened the door. "That's it. I'm going to find a phone book."

"I don't think Minnesota gas stations keep phone books for northern California."

"They'd better."

Piper stalked off. _If I don't find some way to get back to real life_, she thought angrily, _Paige will be sorry she ever heard the word "potion." _

**XXX**

"How long is it to your house again?" Paige asked, shifting in the backseat of the Jeep.

"We should be there in about fifteen minutes." Johanna turned onto the off-ramp of the interstate.

"It takes you half an hour to get to school every morning?" Phoebe said. "And I thought ten minutes was bad."

"Welcome to the country life," answered Johanna.

"'The country life' pretty much sucks. What kind of gas station doesn't have out-of-state phonebooks?" Piper demanded.

"The ones that are located in Earlville."

"Earlville," Paige repeated. "And where do you live? Hankville?"

"No, I live in Ark."

Paige laughed in spite of their situation. "It sounds like _Petticoat Junction _or _Green Acres_."

"Wait until you meet the people. They make Mr. Haney look like a Rockefeller."

"Will you two stop it with all the old TV show references?" groaned Piper.

Cole pressed the "seek" button on the radio. "Is country music the only thing you people get out here?"

"Pretty much," Johanna said. She turned right swiftly. "Sorry about that. I'm not that good with turns."

"How long have you been driving?" asked Paige.

"About a month, give or take a few weeks."

"Paige," Piper began ominously, "if I die-"

"I'm so glad that you feel so safe in my car," said Johanna. "You'll be fine."

The next ten minutes were spent with Cole flipping through the radio stations, Paige trying to make up a suitable spell to get back to their reality, Piper worrying about Leo, and Phoebe wishing that she could disappear.

"Here is the lovely little town of Ark," Johanna narrated as she turned onto a road that was lined on the left side by trees. "Up ahead to your right, you'll see a dairy barn, which accounts for that lovely smell of cows that's seeping into the vehicle."

"That's disgusting," said Phoebe. "Does it smell like that here all the time?"

"Only when they're cleaning barn."

"Piper," Phoebe said, leaning across Paige, "I hated farms when I was seven, and I still hate them now."

"We really can't do anything about that," said Piper.

"Look to your left and there's an elevator, where my father used to work," continued Johanna. "To the right there are two grain bins…and those were the railroad tracks."

"Aren't you supposed to slow down when you go over those?" Piper growled.

Johanna shrugged. "There's the Hutterite cabinet store, and the newspaper office off to the right. To the left there's the phone company and the post office. Right again, the gas station. Then we've got some houses…"

"How many people does this place have?" asked Phoebe.

"About two hundred."

"Two hundred?" Piper repeated. "We have two hundred people on our _block_."

"We do not," said Phoebe.

"And here," Johanna said triumphantly, "is my house."

The Jeep reeled left and Johanna slammed on the brakes, stopping just before she slammed into a white two-story house with black trim. "Everybody out!"

"Gladly." Piper exited with the exuberance of a freed prisoner of war. Paige slid out after she did, cursing when she saw the dirt on her black silk pants.

"Welcome to the land of dirt," said Johanna.

The four followed their tour guide around to the back door, where Johanna produced a key from the underside of a trashcan lid. "What?" she asked as their looks of surprise registered with her. "We're very naïve here."

"You can say that again," muttered Cole.

Johanna shoved the door open. "Entryway, basement to the left, kitchen to the right," she said, taking her red cape off and tossing it on the kitchen table, not breaking her stride. "Here's the dining room—that room off to the right is a guest bedroom with a bathroom attached—and here's the living room. Crap. Did _I _leave that light on?" She squinted, trying to remember what had happened that morning. "Nope. Dad must have."

"Nice house," Phoebe said as she looked around. The woodwork was almost like that in the Halliwell Manor, and the red drapes in both the dining room and living room matched the tablecloth and flowered Oriental rug.

"You'll have to tell my mom that. She worked all summer to get it to look like this," said Johanna. "Speaking of my mom, she is going to have a heart attack when she sees you guys."

"Great," sighed Piper. "I've always wanted to be the cause of someone's health problems."

"I hate to say this, but I've got to do my geometry homework." Johanna glared at her green messenger bag.

"You're in geometry?" Phoebe asked. "In tenth grade?"

"My school's scheduling is mixed up." Johanna looked at her watch. "I'll be back in about an hour." She flipped on the television set and tossed the remote to Piper. "_Charmed _is on channel fifty-two at the moment. Watch yourself."

The redhead swept out of the living room and clomped up the stairs, and Piper and Cole glared simultaneously at Paige.

"I'm sorry!" she proclaimed, flopping down on the brown armchair in the corner of the room.

Phoebe took the remote from Piper and turned the television to channel to fifty-two. "We'll fix it."

"Phoebe!" Piper said. "What's with you? Out of all of us, you should be the most torked off at her!"

"It's not gonna do any good to try to bore holes in her head with a death glare," said Phoebe. "Besides, I want to see what I look like on TV."

"Hopeless. Absolutely hopeless."

Cole sat down on the green and rose-colored printed couch. "Is this from when I was still an ADA?" he asked, gesturing to the set.

"It must be," Phoebe answered. "This is still when Prue was alive...during the Guardian thing."

"The what?" asked Paige.

"Long story." Phoebe focused on the television. "Why is there an inch-long black line across the top?"

"My guess is that the set's older than we are," said Paige. "My grandparents had a TV that looked like that back in the eighties."

"Wonderful. We're in 2007 and there are no big-screen TVs anywhere?"

"Apparently not here," said Piper.

"Okay," the on-screen (and two years younger) Phoebe said. "If Piper ever gets back, I am going to kill her."

"There's a serious bright side to all of this," Paige pointed out.

"Fill me in, because all I'm seeing is a big black hole," snapped Piper.

"I'll get to see what Prue was like?" Paige said timidly.

She was met in response with three groans.

_A/N: Voila! Chapter two! _

_Thank you to all of you who reviewed the prologue and chapter one--your input makes my day!_


	4. The Key Word Is Was

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Three: The Key Word Is "Was"**

"Huh. You were quite a pick-up artist back then, weren't you, Cole?"

"Natural charm, Paige. Natural charm."

"Will you two shut up? I want to hear Piper accept Leo's proposal."

"Leo…he's probably going crazy."

"Try calling him."

"Paige, fictional phone numbers don't work so well! Our lives are fictional. That is just sick."

Johanna put her head down on her fifties-style table that served as a desk in her room. She'd gotten nine problems done in the past forty-five minutes, thanks to the arguing fictional people downstairs in her living room.

"Forget it," she muttered. "I'll do it later."

She took the steps two at a time and pushed the door open to the living room.

Paige shifted in her seat. "You're blocking the romance!" she said.

"Sorry."

"There was romance with me and Phoebe too," Cole pointed out.

"Emphasis on 'was,'" said Phoebe. "Was, buddy. They key word is was."

She was met with glares from both Cole and Johanna as the on-screen Piper and Leo embraced.

"What?" Phoebe demanded. "It's a free country!"

"Actually, it's not," said Johanna, deadpan. "In 2005, a small island in the South Pacific invaded and took over the government. We're a dictatorship now."

"What?" the three Charmed Ones screeched.

"Just kidding," Johanna said innocently.

"If I could freeze you," said Piper, "I would."

"You can't."

"You're annoying, do you know that?"

"I've been told."

"Shush!" Paige said. "You guys have seen this, but I haven't."

"Long story short, we all live happily ever after," said Piper. She cast a glance at Phoebe and Cole. "Most of us, anyway."

"Here's something weird I just realized," Phoebe remarked. "Cole, you were Belthazor back then. So why didn't you just fight Emilio off? I mean, you had to be twenty times as strong as he was."

"He took me by surprise," said Cole.

"I guess you weren't as tough as we thought," Paige commented. "Oh, look. Another one's on."

"Does anyone want anything to eat?" asked Johanna. "Pizza, or-"

"I'm home!" a woman's voice called from the kitchen.

"Okay, that's my mom," Johanna said. "You guys wait in here. I've got to break this to her gently." She scurried into the kitchen. "You'll never guess who's in the living room."

"Is it someone you know?" her mother asked.

"Kind of." Johanna grinned. "Should I tell you? I'm gonna tell you, because you'll never guess." She took a deep breath. "Okay, so I'm walking out of school today, minding my own business, and then I trip."

"Are you all right?" the woman asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. But when I look up, there's this woman standing over me. And her name is…you will never believe this…her name is Phoebe Halliwell."

"What?"

"I am not kidding. The people from _Charmed _are in our living room right now."

"Honey, I think you might have hit your head when you fell."

"Follow me." Johanna grabbed her mother's arm and yanked her into the dining room. "Look."

The woman's eyes widened. "Oh, wow."

"Do you believe me now?" Johanna turned to the four people in her living room. "Everyone, this is my mother, Marilyn."

"How did…"

"You wouldn't believe it if they told you," Cole said.

"I think you're right," said Marilyn. "So…what? Are you four just going to stay here until…"

"Until we can fix what Paige did," Piper concluded. "We may need to borrow your kitchen for a little bit, though."

"Go ahead." Marilyn looked at her daughter. "Where are they going to sleep?"

"Cole can sleep with me!" Johanna chirped.

"Ew," Paige muttered under her breath.

"I'll pass, thanks," Cole said.

"They're all yours," Marilyn said as she left the living room.

"What?" Johanna asked.

"You brought the characters from a television show home, so you deal with them."

"I'm supposed to cook for them?"

"Piper can cook," Paige offered.

"The only thing I'm interested in cooking right now is a potion to get us out of here," said Piper.

"Wait until John gets a load of this," Marilyn said, shutting the door to the kitchen to block out Paige's apologies, Piper's ranting, and Phoebe's attempts at peacemaking.

XXX

"It's not on anymore?" Paige asked disappointedly as the credits of their lives rolled.

"Not until tomorrow at three," answered Johanna.

"Rats."

"Does Minesota have food?" Phoebe stood up.

Johanna gestured towards the kitchen. "Help yourself."

"You're a gracious host," Cole said.

"The last time I tried to use the stove, it smoked up the whole house. Do you want me to try again?"

"Hold on," said Piper. "Can we sue the people who created this show? Because, technically, it's a breach of personal privacy."

"What would you tell them?" Cole asked. "That you came here from a fictional universe? That'd go over well in court."

Piper waved her hands at him and groaned when he smirked in response.

"It's funny how being powerless lowers the playing field," he remarked.

"Please," snorted Paige. "We could so take you on."

"I'd like to see you try."

"Cole, stop provoking," snapped Piper. "Paige, stop retorting."

XXX

"Well, you should have realized that something was wrong! Hello, he's the love of your life!"

"Was! The key word is was!"

"You really need a new phrase. That one's being overused."

"Why do you like Cole so much anyway?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Enough," said Piper. "Shut up and eat your pizza."

"I'm finished," Phoebe said.

Paige yawned. "Okay, so it's nine o'clock California time. That would make it…eleven here?"

"It's eleven?" Johanna asked. She looked at her watch. "Crap. I've got to get up at 6:30 tomorrow."

"6:30?" Phoebe raised her eyebrows. "What, do you milk the cows before you go?"

"We don't have cows. I usually try to get to school by 8:00, which means I have to leave at 7:30."

"What time does school start for you?" asked Paige.

"8:30."

"Ugh."

Johanna stood up from the couch. "If you guys are all done, I'll show you your rooms."

Once the plates had been stacked and set on the wood floor, the group followed Johanna into the guest bedroom.

"I figured Cole could sleep in here," she said, pulling on the ceiling light's chain.

Cole looked around. The small room had an adjoining bathroom to the left. Bookshelves lined the opposite wall. There was a dark brown armoire made of steel standing in a corner of the room. The blue and yellow flowered bedspread was a bit of a knock to his masculinity, but it would do.

Upstairs, Johanna opened the door closest to the stairway. "Here's my bedroom," she said, flipping on the light. "This one's my parents', and-"

"You have pictures of him?" Paige demanded, storming into Johanna's room and gesturing to the wall behind the bed's headboard. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

Piper shuddered. "That's just strange."

"Moving on!" proclaimed Johanna, eager to get the Charmed Ones' attention off of her bedroom décor. She walked down the hallway ("Bathroom's to the left") and opened another door to reveal a room with bright orange paint.

"Now that's…ow." Phoebe covered her eyes.

"I love it!" said Paige.

"It's yours," Johanna said.

Paige jumped onto the small bed, which had a white comforter on it. "It looks kind of it was a kitchen, with the cupboards and everything."

"It was, back in the twenties." Johanna opened another door that was to the far right. "Uh-oh. This is going to be a problem."

"What?" asked Phoebe.

"One of you two is going to have to sleep on the floor."

"I'm pregnant!" Piper said immediately.

"Oh, so now you're playing the 'delicate condition' card," Phoebe said. "Whatever happened to 'I'm pregnant, not terminal'?"

Piper peered into the light green room. "We could share," she suggested.

"Phoebe and Cole could share," Johanna said off-handedly.

She was met three disparaging glances.

"…or not."


	5. The Semi Real World

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Four: The Semi-Real World**

John Carlson was never in a good mood in the morning, especially when he'd only gotten about six hours of sleep the night before. He managed a grocery store in Wisconsin, which meant a forty-five minute drive to and from work every day. Top it off with a shift starting at two and usually lasting to one in the morning and some late-night snow, and he was understandably crabby. The night before, he hadn't noticed the sleeping Cole in the guest bed, but at 7:00 the next morning, it was a different story.

"Who are you?"

Cole jerked awake from his sleep. "Huh? Wha…who are you?"

"I asked you first," John said.

"All right, Paige is hogging the bathroom upstairs so I decided to…" Phoebe trailed off as she came into the bedroom. "Whoa. What's he doing here?"

"I live here," said John tersely.

Piper was the next to come into the bedroom. "We've got to get some warmer clothes somewhere," she said. "Marilyn said that it's only thirty degrees out."

"Thirty degrees?" Phoebe repeated incredulously. "Why couldn't Paige have sent us to the Bahamas?"

"I'm going to ask once more," John began, "and if I don't get an answer-"

"Dad!" Johanna gasped. She froze in place in the doorway. "Shouldn't you be sleeping?"

"Shouldn't you be explaining to me who these people are?"

"Uh, yeah. Cole, Phoebe, Piper, this is my father, John. John, these are Cole, Phoebe, and Piper. Bye."

"Where are they from?"

"San Francisco," Phoebe offered weakly.

"When did they get here?"

"Yesterday."

"How come I didn't hear about this?"

"What is this, Twenty Questions?" Phoebe muttered to her older sister.

Johanna sighed. "You didn't hear about this, because Paige and these three showed up outside Vast Western yesterday after school."

"And you brought them home with you?"

"Well, they're not strangers."

"Then who are they?"

"Fictional characters," supplied Piper. "Witches, actually."

"We kinda got stuck in your universe when my sister's potion blew up," Phoebe added.

"Oh, but don't worry, we won't be here long."

Cole stuck out his hand. "Cole Turner. Nice to meet you."

John shook it half-heartedly, then turned to his daughter. "Am I supposed to believe this?" he demanded.

"Yep," Marilyn said from the doorway. "They're from Johanna's show."

"Johanna's show?" repeated Phoebe.

"You know what I mean," said Marilyn.

"That Switched one?" John asked.

"Charmed," corrected Johanna.

"Whatever." John shook his head. "This is way too confusing for the morning."

"I already told her I'm not getting into it," said Marilyn. "You'd be smart to do the same."

"I think I will."

XXX

"It's cold out today," Johanna warned as she clomped down the stairs, "so I'd better lend you guys some coats."

"We really need to get some new clothes if we stuck here," said Piper.

"True. I don't think any of mine would fit you," Johanna said. "You three don't exactly have the sturdy German look, and Cole, I can't see you in Western shirts and jeans." She tossed Piper a long black dress coat. "There are some hats in that brown basket on the landing."

Piper pulled on the coat. "Is there a place in town we could go shopping?"

"Wal-Mart or the mall."

"What does the mall have?" Paige asked. She pulled on the long red wool jacket Johanna had handed her.

"A few department stores."

"I vote for that," Phoebe said.

"Then let's go."

Once outside, the three sisters made a mad run for the Jeep.

"Calm down," Johanna said leisurely. "I have to unlock it."

"How do you live here?" demanded Phoebe. "It's freezing."

"That's what happens when it gets below thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit."

"She's making bad jokes while we freeze to death," Phoebe said.

"It's not that bad," said Paige.

"Hey, it snowed last night," Johanna observed.

"Yes, it's very pretty and it's very cold. Now will you unlock the door?"

XXX

"Moronic people. Learn to drive!"

"Good idea." Piper winced. "Johanna, I don't think you're supposed to spend this much time driving in the turning lane."

"No one cares," Johanna said. She flipped on her blinker to turn right into the mall's parking lot. "I'll pick you guys up at around 3:30. Meet me by the fake plants."

"Fake plants. Gotcha." Piper nodded.

"I'm just curious," said Phoebe, "but does anyone have any money along?"

"I've got my credit cards," Piper said. "We'll be fine."

"You sure about that?" Johanna asked.

"Oh no. No. Stupid alternate universe!" Piper sighed. "Does anyone have cash?"

"If I would have known we were going to journey across time and space, I would have grabbed some," Phoebe said. "What about you, Paige?"

"Witch salary isn't too great these days."

"We're screwed, then."

"Ah-ah-ah," Cole said from the front seat. "You're forgetting about me."

"You have money?" asked Paige. "I always thought you'd be more of a check kind of guy."

"Cash is easier. Much less noticeable than checks or credit cards, which is useful, since I've disappeared from the business world twice."

"How much do you have?"

"Six hundred."

"What, were you planning on fleeing the country?"

Johanna parked her car next to the one and only entrance. "I'm already three minutes late for band, so I'll see you later."

"If we could just borrow some of your money, we'll pay you back," Piper said as she got out of the vehicle.

"You must be desperate, wanting to borrow from me," said Cole.

"It's not exactly as reliable as a bank," Phoebe pointed out.

"No, but I have a feeling if we walked into one, gave them our names, and asked for a loan, they'd think we were crazy."

"Why?" Paige asked. "There have got to be other Halliwells in this universe."

"Think about it. There's no physical record of us existing, besides the stuff about the actresses who play us."

"Now, see, that's just bizarre," Phoebe said.

Cole pushed open the door to the mall. "How much do you want?"

"One hundred and fifty each."

"And how do I know that you won't conveniently 'forget' to pay me back?"

"When have I lied to you?" Phoebe asked. "Come on, Cole. Please."

"All right, all right, all right." Cole pulled his wallet out of his grey suit jacket. "You three owe me."

"You're ever-so-generous," said Paige.

"Sisters?" Piper asked. "Conference time."

"What?" Paige took the money from Cole.

"One of us has to go with him," said Piper softly.

"Huh? Why?" demanded Paige.

"Look at him. Do you think he knows how to shop retail?"

The sisters considered Cole's shopping abilities for a moment, and finally Phoebe sighed. "I'll go with him." At Paige and Piper's confused glances, she held up her hands. "I don't want to, but face it, I'm the one who can control him."

"Fine," Piper said. "We'll meet right here at noon to go get some lunch."

Cole examined the list of stores on the mall directory. "How do they live like this?" he asked. "There's not even a Brooks Brothers."

"Come on," Phoebe said to her ex-husband. "I'll teach you the fine art of scrimping and pinching."

"Phoebe, I know how to shop."

"Oh, really? I've seen your credit card bills, Cole. We're together today…and wipe that grin off your face. I didn't mean together like that."

XXX

Paige glanced up at the speakers in Past/Present, the mall's vintage clothes store. "These people sure have a thing for country music."

An overweight blonde woman in a faded red sweatshirt squinted at Paige. "Have I seen you somewhere?"

"I don't think so. Why?"

"You just look familiar." She looked closer at her. "Wait. Are you a news anchor?"

"No."

"Oh. Do you work at the bank?"

"No."

"McDonald's?"

"No."

The woman paused. "A gas station?"

"No!"

XXX

Phoebe groaned. "Leave it to you to find the most expensive shirt in the store, Cole."

"You want me to buy one of those ten-dollar ones?"

"That one costs seventy-five bucks. You buy it, and you won't have hardly anything left."

"When did you become an expert on saving money?"

"I lived in New York, remember? My apartment was sublet to a group of rats."

XXX

"No, I am not Holly Marie Combs!" Piper glared at the group of teenage boys that had congregated around her in PayLess. "Aren't you supposed to be in school?"

"We're skipping," said the one carrying a sack from Claire's.

"Are you sure you're not her?" A redhead with a nose ring crossed his arms. "Because you seriously look like her."

"How would you know?" asked the one in all black, with the exception of his red tennis shoes.

"My mom watches that retarded witch show."

"Hey!" Piper protested. "Our lives are not retarded!"

She was met with stares from the three.

Piper mentally slapped herself. "I think I'd better go."

XXX

"I'm telling you, Robin, that's him."

"Jennifer, that is so not Julian."

"Yes it is! I should know!"

"Why, because you're married to him?"

"Shut up, Marie. I was young and stupid."

"Jen, please. That was last year."

"Oh my God, is that Alyssa Milano he's with? Jennifer, I think you were right"

"Cole and Phoebe are together in real life! How romantic!"

Phoebe clenched her fists.

"Steady," Cole murmured. "If you react, they'll think that it's us."

"Us, as in Alyssa and Julian?" asked Phoebe angrily. "I hate this. I want to go back to our normal world."

Cole looked at his watch. "It's about noon. Let's let the conspiracy theorists figure out who we are while we go get some lunch."

"Good idea." In spite of herself, Phoebe smiled up at Cole. "Let's go find Piper and Paige."


	6. Incompetence

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Five: Incompetence**

When Johanna tramped into the Earlville Mall at three forty-five, she was ambushed by four very hungry and annoyed people.

"Don't malls usually have food?" Phoebe demanded. "Even, like, a snack machine?"

Johanna covered her mouth. "Oops."

"There's a pop machine but nothing to eat. What's up with that?" continued Phoebe. "I mean, do they want people to starve to death?"

"I'll take you somewhere to eat," Johanna said.

"Good." Paige tossed her bags to Cole. "Can you carry these for me?"

"I live to serve you," he said sarcastically. "I'll summon the rest of your loyal minions and we'll travel behind you in the caravan."

"Funny."

Piper clapped her hands. "I'm hungry. Let's go eat, shall we?"

XXX

"Okay, so I need two cheeseburgers with one order of fries…two Asian salads…and an order of Chicken Selects," Johanna said into the speaker at McDonald's.

"Any drinks with that?" it squawked.

"Five waters."

"So I have five chicken salads, one hamburger, and three orders of fries?"

Johanna groaned and began to repeat her order.

"I got a couple books on Wicca at the bookstore," Phoebe said. "Since we don't have the Book of Shadows, I figured that we could piece together a few spells."

"You got mass-marketed witchcraft books?" asked Piper. "Phoebs, that kind of has 'bad idea' written all over it."

"It could give us a new perspective on things."

"Thank you," Johanna snarled to the speaker.

The Jeep jerked ahead and Phoebe let out a cry of pain as a bag from PayLess hit the back of her head. "Paige, did you really need to buy those five-pound wedge boot things?"

"It's winter in the Midwest," Paige said sheepishly. "I thought I might need them."

"At least you did better than he did," said Piper, shooting Cole a look.

"How do you know what I bought?" Cole asked.

"I know what you didn't buy," said Piper, "and that would be a decent coat."

"I don't need one."

"And what makes you so special?"

"Demons maintain a steady body temperature."

"You're not a demon anymore," Paige pointed out. "As far as we know, I mean."

Phoebe crossed her arms. "Didn't I give you a coat to try on? That long brown one?"

"Brown's not really my color, Phoebe.'

"Do you want to freeze to death? We're not in California anymore, Cole! We're in Minnesota!"

Cole cocked his head at his ex-wife. "I had no idea you were still so concerned for my welfare."

"She still loves you!" Johanna sang under her breath.

"I just want to make sure he doesn't think he's invincible anymore," said Phoebe awkwardly.

"Right," Johanna said, apparently unconvinced.

XXX

That night was rather uneventful. Johanna retreated into the porch at about seven o'clock to attempt to play musical theatre overtures, leaving the three sisters and their ex-brother-in-law to discuss the events of the day.

"I swear," Piper said, "if anyone calls me Holly Marie Combs again, I'm going to go insane. Do I look like a Holly?"

Paige shrugged. "Kinda."

"Well, I'm not." Piper tapped Phoebe's shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Fine. Why?"

"You haven't said much since we got back here."

"I was just…thinking." Phoebe smiled. "I think attempting to get Cole to bargain shop wore me out."

"Hey, I managed," said Cole. "Two jackets, four shirts, two pairs of dress pants, and two ties."

"You bought ties?" Paige asked.

"What's wrong with that?"

"I think you'd be a little bit more inconspicuous if you'd have bought some jeans and T-shirts though. The people around here don't look like tie-wearers."

"So you want me to wear ratty sweatpants?"

"Dude, I don't really care what you wear."

XXX

It was midnight before Phoebe fell asleep. Piper was snoring lightly as the middle sister contemplated shopping with Cole. She hated to admit it, but it had been fun. It reminded her of when they'd been together…their natural chemistry. She could deal with him and he could deal with her.

_No. _ _Don't even go down that path. I loved him, I lost him, and I'm not going to love him again. He's incompetent to have a relationship with._

She rolled over.

_I love him._

Johanna would have had a fit.


	7. The Official Record of Activities

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Six: The Official Record of Activities **

As Johanna's Shania Twain CD skipped for the seventh time on Friday morning, Phoebe gritted her teeth. She hadn't slept well the night before—her dreams had been amazingly vivid. One had been a replay of her wedding to Cole, except for some reason, Prue and Melinda Warren were there. The other was about dancing frogs, which she had decided didn't have much to do with her ex-husband.

"Crap!" Johanna smacked the steering wheel.

"What now?" everyone asked simultaneously. In the past few days, they'd grown well-accustomed to their hostess's habit of seemingly random outbursts.

"I," growled Johanna, "still have to memorize my Bible verses for religion class."

"Oh." Paige shrugged. "So what are we doing today?"

"I figured I'd drop you guys off at Wal-Mart."

Cole's face was a picture of confusion. "Huh?"

"It's part of a huge chain of discount stores," explained Johanna.

"I don't think they're very common in the Underworld," Piper added.

"The smiley face could have devil horns," Johanna suggested, putting on her blinker.

"What are we supposed to do all day?" asked Phoebe. "Sales clerks get a little suspicious when you hang out somewhere for eight hours. Believe me, I know."

"Keep moving around," said Johanna. "Go to the grocery section, then get something to eat, lurk around the outdoor supplies section…"

"You sound like you've done this before," Piper said.

"Well, you've seen how much there is to do around here." Johanna tossed Paige a small black and white composition notebook. "Record your activities in this."

"Record our activities?" repeated Phoebe. "Why?"

"It may come in handy for something I write someday." 

**XXX**

_The Official Record Of Activities Performed In Wal-Mart On November 16__th__, From 8:00 A.M. To 3:45 P.M., As Recorded By The Three Halliwell Sisters And Cole Turner (who really didn't do that much recording)_

_**8:03 A.M (Piper)**_

_Phoebe and Paige elected me as the first writer in this thing, so I'm writing. What I'm supposed to say, I don't exactly know._

_Okay, some guy just called me Holly Marie Combs. I'll be right back. _

_**8:04 A.M. (Paige)**_

_I just rescued a man from Piper's wrath. Phoebe and I had better stick close to her today._

_**8:57 A.M. (Phoebe)**_

_We've spent the past, oh, forty-five minutes looking at cheaply-made clothes. How can people BUY this crap? _

…_and just as I wrote that, Paige snatched up a hot pink T-shirt with "Double Bubble" written on it and professed her love for it. _

_Piper, your turn! _

_**10:30 A.M. (Piper)**_

_Just found "our" DVDs. Creepy. Also confusing, because, as far as we know, Paige isn't a blonde._

_**10:39 A.M. (Piper)**_

_What the HECK is Nip/Tuck, and why is Cole's picture on the back?!?!??!?!? _

_**10:40 A.M. (Paige)**_

_Why does he have TWO shows but I'm only in "Charmed"?!??!?!? _

_**10:41 A.M. (Cole)**_

_Jealous?_

_**10:42 A.M. (Paige) **_

_You wish, Cole._

_**10:43 A.M. (Phoebe)**_

_Piper and I just prevented our sister and my husband from getting into a fight in the middle of Wal-Mart's home entertainment aisle._

_Did I just say "husband"?_

…_yeah, I'm erasing that. _

_**10:44 A.M. (Phoebe)**_

_This pen doesn't erase._

_**11:00 A.M. (Paige)**_

_Off to the frozen food section!_

_**11:12 A.M. (Paige)**_

_All this frozen food is making me hungry._

_**11:29 A.M. (Cole)**_

_Since the almighty Charmed Ones were whining about food, we're now in Subway. No less than five people have come up to me and asked for my autograph-_

_**(Paige)**_

_Attention hog._

_**(Cole)**_

_Just wait 'til we get back to our universe._

_**12:01 P.M. (Piper)**_

_So we're minding our own business, examining rakes in the garden section, when this group of college-age girls accosts Cole. _

_WHAT is with the obsession?  
_

_**12:48 P.M. (Phoebe)**_

_Let's see…we've looked at clothes, DVDs, food, and garden supplies. What else is there?_

_Of course—shoes!_

_**1:09 P.M. (Paige)**_

_We're now sitting on a bench near the entrance. Cole is slouched over, attempting to hide himself from crazed fans. _

_I wouldn't mind a few crazed fans for me. _

_**2:30 P.M. (Piper)**_

_When was Johanna getting us again?_

_**2:34 P.M. (Piper, Phoebe, and Paige)**_

_The Demonic/Warlockick (is that even a word?) Alphabet Game_

_A: Abraxas_

_B: Barbas…Banshee…Belthazor…geez, what's with demons and "B" names? _

_C: __Cole_

_D: Demonic bounty hunters...what? That counts! _

_E: …we'll come back to that one._

_F: Furies _

_G: Grimlocks _

_H: Hecate_

_I: ……going on……._

_J: Javna _

_K: Kellman_

_L: Lucas (the sin guy)_

_M: Matthew Tate (the one who turned in Melinda Warren for being a witch)_

_N: Nicholas _

_O: Oracle _

_P: …come on, there's gotta be one that starts with a "P." _

…_Cole, WE are not demons. _

_Q: None. Moving along…_

_R: Rex Buckland (Prue's old boss)…and the rat demons. Can't forget those creepy little guys. _

_S: Source Of All Evil (also known as COLE)_

_T: Triad. Troxa. _

_U: …all right, there are no "U" ones either. _

_V: Vampires…thanks a lot, Cole. _

_W: Wendigo _

_X: I don't think there ARE any that begin with "X"…at least that we've dealt with. _

_Y: Yama (the Chinese gatekeeper of Hell guy)_

_Z: Zile (shapeshifting warlock Prue "married") _

_**2:59 P.M. (Cole)**_

_A Very Rude Poem About Paige Matthews_

_There once was a girl named Paige._

_Who looked like she had very much age—  
_

_**(Paige)**_

_If I could orb—_

_**(Cole)**_

_And that, ladies and gentlemen, is called an empty threat._

**XXX**

By the time Johanna arrived at Wal-Mart, the four had grouped outside, rubbing their hands together to keep warm.

"How long have you guys been out here?" she asked.

"Couple minutes," Phoebe said. "A salesman said that we if we were going to loiter, we should do it outside.

Piper tossed Johanna the notebook. "Sorry if it's a little jammed at the end. Paige and Cole filled it up with a lot of sniping."

"So you had fun?"

"Tons." Piper rubbed her temples. "Do you have any aspirin?"

_A/N: "There is no 'off' position on the genius switch."_

…_just a little David Letterman quote for your enjoyment. This was really fun to write…do you want to know what I would do if I ran into Julian McMahon in Wal-Mart? Take a wild guess._

_Yep! _


	8. Watch Yourself

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Seven: Watch Yourself**

After breakfast on Saturday, the Carlson's houseguests did various things to keep them busy. Phoebe retreated into the bedroom she shared with Piper (who was going through Marilyn's cookbooks) to attempt to put a spell together to return them to San Francisco and their appropriate universe, Paige trudged back to her neon orange bedroom to get a few more hours of sleep, and Cole was interrogated intensely by John.

"So who are you?"

"Cole Turner."

"And you're from _Witched_?"

"_Charmed_."

"Oh." John put The Western Livestock Reporter down. "Have you been in anything else?"

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"Well, you're an actor, aren't you?"

"It's complicated," Johanna said, turning a page in _The Neurotic Woman's Guide To Non-Fulfillment. _

John scrutinized Cole closely. "You're in that stupid show!"

"That what?" Cole asked.

"_Nip and Tuck_."

"_Nip/Tuck_, and it's not all as sleazy as the one you saw," sighed Johanna.

"I don't care. It made me sick."

Johanna stood up. "And on that note," she said, "I leave."

And she did, leaving Cole to the clutches of the man whose mind was stuck in Mayberry, North Carolina.

**XXX**

Paige slapped the newspaper shut. "Okay, so why isn't _Charmed _on during the weekend?"

"Because three airings of _The Bourne Supremacy _apparently aren't enough," said Piper as she flipped through the television channels yet again.

"Will you two shush?" Phoebe asked, not looking up from the hardback that was laid across her lap. "I'm trying to find something…anything…that will get us out of here."

Cole snorted. "From a book called _Wicca: The Hot New Thing_? Good luck."

"At least I'm trying, which is more than I can say for the three of you."

"Why are you so gung-ho to get out of here all of a sudden?" asked Paige.

"If I don't turn in the column, Elise is going to be suspicious," Phoebe said. "And besides, this alternate universe is getting old fast."

_And, _she added silently, _the faster we get home, the faster I can get away from Cole and go back to hating him. _

"There is nothing on!" proclaimed Piper.

"You could watch yourself on DVD," Johanna suggested from the dining room.

"Yeah!" Paige stood up, dropping the paper on the couch. "How many seasons do you have?"

"Well, she's adjusted to this," observed Piper.

"I'll go get them," Johanna said to Paige.

"Wait," Piper said. "If we're from 2003 and it's 2007 now, won't we have to worry about future information?"

"I'll only grab seasons one through four." Johanna paused. "And part of five."

Phoebe and Cole exchanged glances, an unspoken thought running between them.

_So how long does the former Source of All Evil stick around? _

**XXX**

"All right, all right, all right!" Phoebe glared at Paige. "I know that I was stupid. Drop it, all right?"

"_How _could you fall for that lame 'Are you a model?' line?" Paige asked, rolling her eyes.

Phoebe hit the 'menu' button on Johanna's portable DVD player decisively. "I was young. Stupid. And he was hot."

"Not really." Paige spread out across her bed. "I want food."

"Don't look at me," said Cole. "You already have me on the floor so I don't invade your personal space."

"You'd better believe it."

"It's a small price to pay, though," he continued. "Watching the Charmed Ones struggling to handle their powers is a treat that can't be beat."

"Why are you so chipper all of a sudden?" asked Piper as the next episode began.

"I've realized that things aren't so bad." Cole smiled foolishly, settling back against the wall.

"Do you know what he's talking about?" Piper asked Phoebe.

"No idea."

**XXX**

Somewhere around "Wicca Envy," Piper went downstairs to take a shower and Phoebe went into the room she shared with her older sister, citing a headache as the reason for her disappearance. Cole took over his share of the bed, much to Paige's annoyance.

"You don't have to sit so _close_." Paige shoved Cole to the side of the bed.

"Forget it, Paige," said Cole. "You can't get to me."

"All right, what is with this sudden chipper attitude?" Paige demanded.

Cole shot her an arrogant look. "That's classified information."

"Oh, but you'd share it with _Phoebe_, wouldn't you?"

"Fine," said Cole. "There's got to be a reason I got caught up in this spell of yours. Maybe it's so…forget it."

"No. Tell me." Paige looked curiously at her ex-brother-in-law.

"Maybe it means that Phoebe and I are supposed to be together. This could be our chance," Cole said, beginning to sound desperate.

Paige snorted. "Dream on."

"Now you see why I didn't want to say anything." Cole turned the volume up, clearly indicating that the conversation was over.

_A/N: A bit of a filler chapter (and a way for me to re-awaken my muse). I've been crazily busy with school (mid-quarter was today already…wow, time does fly)._

_I also wanted to add a bit of roundabout Cole/Phoebe. That witch is a stubborn one, isn't she?_

_  
Thanks so much for sticking with this story! I hope to get the next chapter up in a bit more timely manner, so feel free to give me a kick whenever you want to get me going!_

_One last thing before I post, I've __**finally **__seen the entire "Charmed" series. I got season eight the day it came out and went on a bit of a spree to get to "Generation Hex" (anything for a clip of Cole, I say). I really wish that Cole would have been in "Forever Charmed"…sadly, no. In a way, I thought the last season could have been leading up to his return…Phoebe trying to find love, wanting kids, the Source making a brief guest appearance…_

_Enough of my babbling! _


	9. Qualifications, Anyone?

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Eight: Qualifications, Anyone?**

"Okay, folks," Piper said. "Everyone who's not of this universe, listen up."

"I'm waiting for commercials for my show." Cole leaned closer to the elderly television set.

"And I'm watching...actually, I don't know what I'm watching." Paige turned to Piper.

"We need jobs," the eldest Halliwell sister said.

"Piper," began Phoebe, "in this world, we're for entertainment purposes only. Literally."

"Unforunately, those entertainment purposes don't pay for food."

Johanna waved the previous statement away. "Stay as long as you like. We're quite hospitable."

"I feel bad for leeching off of you. And so should the rest of my family."

"I'm not your family," said Cole.

"You were."

"Not anymore."

"Knock it off," Phoebe snapped.

"What's with you?" asked Piper.

"I've been working for five hours straight on this stupid spell and I haven't even gotten everything in to combat the herbs Paige used. That's what's with me."

"I think we all need to take a deep breath and calm down," Paige said. "This movie could actually be good."

"What're you watching, anyway?" Johanna closed her geometry book with a snap.

"Something about four humans with superpowers. I just flipped it here."

Johanna's eyes flickered over the screen. "Cole!" she shrieked.

"What?" he asked.

"Oh." Her face flushed. "I keep forgetting I can't do that at random times anymore now that you're here."

"What does Cole have to do with this?" Piper asked.

Her question was answered as Julian McMahon, dressed in all black, appeared on the screen.

"Are you kidding me?" demanded Paige. "He's in a movie too?"

"Several. There's gonna be a sequel to the third one." Johanna furrowed her eyebrows. "What would you call that? A threqual?"

"I call it cause to go to bed." Phoebe gathered up her books, pencils, and scraps of paper. "'Night."

Cole smirked at Paige. "I am popular, aren't I?"

"Jobs," Piper said in an attempt to bring the conversation back to its' beginning. "I'm gonna see what's open at the cafe, Phoebe's got an appointment for an interview at The Ark Bark tomorrow-"

"The who?" Paige and Cole asked simultaneously, then glared at each other.

"The newspaper," answered Johanna.

"This place is insane," Paige muttered.

"I don't know what you and Cole would be able to get, though," continued Piper.

"Don't worry," Cole said. "I've got a plan."

"And what does said plan involve?"

"Going with Johanna to school tomorrow."

Johanna looked as if all her Christmases had come at once, all of them bringing million dollar checks. "You are?"

"If that's all right with you."

"Oh, it is more than all right with me."

"Cole, they will not let you work with children," said Piper. "Even though you don't have demonic powers anymore, you have no history in this world. You have to have more than just an expensive suit. You have to have qualifications."

"I'm off to create those right now."

"Create? You cannot 'create' qualifications. That's illegal."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. For starters, it's illegal."

"And for middlers-is that even a word?-they'll be unverifiable," Paige added.

"And lastly," said Johanna sadly, "I go to a private school. They're incredibly picky about letting strange people teach. You have to know all the stupid little stuff. You have to know acronyms, for pete's sake."

"Try me," Cole said.

"EM?"

"The tape company."

Johanna winced. "MMEA?"

"No idea."

"U of M: Twin Cities?"

"Nope."

"Anat/Phys?"

"Hey, that's not an acronym," protested Paige.

"Anywhere I can get a book of high school jargon in the next twelve hours?" Cole asked.

"Oh, Cole Turner," began Johanna, "you have something much better than a book. You have me."

Paige mimed vomiting. "I'm gonna follow Phoebe's example and go to sleep."

"Me too." Piper stood up.

And as the last two Halliwell sisters left the room, Johanna allowed herself one shiver of joy before beginning her Everything You Wanted to Know About Vast Western High School But Were Afraid to Ask lecture.

XXX

It was particularly hard to concentrate on Latin diction that morning, especially for Johanna, who had been late for choir. She'd changed from her black turtleneck into her Heart T-shirt into another better-fitting black turtleneck. She then attempted to put her hair up, which was a battle ending in a stalemate and her typical hairstyle of nothing. Then she changed shoes four times and before she knew it, it was 7:37 and she still had to get the Jeep started. She'd rushed into the building without asking Cole where he was going. Now she was wondering just what the heck the handsome ex-demon was doing.

There was a knock on the door and Principal Ernest poked his head into the choir room. "Are you free second hour?"

"I've got accounting," Mr. Smythe answered from the dysnfunctional piano, now sustaining a C, B flat, and F that had been released over a minute ago.

"Third?"

"Pre-algebra."

"Fourth?"

"I've giving a French horn lesson."

"Can it be postponed?" the principal asked desperately.

"It has been twice already, and All-State Orchestra auditions are next week."

"Both Tutor Catcherr and Mr. Stickle are gone for the day and no one can take their classes. I've been all around the building-you were my last resort."

"Can't Don cover something?"

"He's leaving at 11:30, hence the need for someone to take over chem."

"I don't believe that there's nobody."

"Well..." Principal Ernest trailed off. "There's this guy that showed up this morning. He's got all the qualifications we need, knows more about the school than most people do, but we can't accept him, even just for today."

"Yes you can."

All necks swiveled to view Johanna. She brushed her hair back and crossed her legs in an effort to look responsible.

"Do you know him?" Principal Ernest asked.

"Yes. He's...uh...my cousin. By marriage," she amended quickly. No use giving fire to disgusting rumors if anything were to happen between them. (Only in your dreams, the negative and quite realistic part of her brain muttered.) "He's the best." (Not a lie, the very-prone-to-lying part of her brain sang out.) "You can trust him." (It's true, the eternal optimist put in.)

"We've run a background check. It looks like he's clean, but still."

"Let him give it a whirl for a day," Johanna said. "If it doesn't work out, you don't lose anything but a couple of questions as to who that handsome-handy, sorry, little early in the morning to be talking-man was."

Principal Ernest looked at her strangely. "I don't think it's your decision."

"What else are you gonna do?"

Her friend Carmen elbowed her and shot her a look that clearly said, "If you mess with authority again, I'll disown you."

Johanna shot her a look of her own that responded, "Just translate your Latin."

"Well..." Principal Ernest threw his hands in the air. "Fine. It's the best we can do."

He left, leaving Johanna anxious to start her day...and slightly wondering if this was just another wonderful yet weird dream.

_Oh well_, she thought. _If it is, I'm finishing it. Screw real life._


	10. Creativity All Around

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Nine: Creativity All Around**

"Okay. I can forgive you for smarting off to Principal Ernest and telling him what to do. But not paying attention during religion class? That's pushing it."

"I was paying attention," Johanna insisted.

Carmen crossed her arms. "What'd we talk about?"

"Probably God."

"See, when you start an answer with 'probably,' it means you don't know." Carmen slung her gym bag over her shoulder and shut her locker. "So who's doing P.E. since Tutor Catcherr's gone?"

Johanna grinned. "I know."

"Who?"

She sprinted down the hall without an answer. Her normally least-favorite class had turned into her favorite...at least for today.

Sure enough, Cole was pacing inside the semi-darkened gym. His gray suit didn't exactly match the setting, which made Johanna consider the already-considered possibility that this was a dream.

"You're in this class?" Cole asked.

"Yes, and for once I'm excited about it."

Cole breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. I spent the entire last period researching football and I have no clue how I'm supposed to teach a class on it."

"Give to ball to Frank and Lou. Tell them to pick teams. And stress no tackling."

"Who are they?"

"They'll be the ones in their jerseys. Captains of the football team. They're in this only for the easy A."

"Speaking of, why are you in this?"

"School requirement for the people not in a sport."

"Cruel and unusual punishment for the girl who trips over nothing," said Cole.

"Maybe the teacher should take pity on me and let me write a paper on the stupid sport as opposed to play it," Johanna suggested.

"I'm not missing the chance to see you do something physical."

Johanna groaned as she headed into the locker room, muttering, "I am about to make a fool out of myself in front of the love of my life."

XXX

"Uh-huh." The blonde owner of the Ark Cafe scanned Piper's resume. "You own your own club?"

Piper nodded. "We've had The Cranberries, Marvellous 3, The Barenaked Ladies, and we've got Michelle Branch pencilled in for sometime in January."

"Then why do you want this job?"

"Well..." Piper searched for a suitable falsehood. "My family and I are here visiting for awhile and I felt like I needed to get something to, you know, tide us over."

"Who are you visiting?"

"Um...our...cousin. Johanna. Johanna Carlson."

The woman nodded. "I thought that I heard John ni here yesterday complaining about his visitors."

The more Piper learned about small town life, the less she liked it. Lots of curiousity and gossip.

"From what I've seen," the woman said, "you've got the waitressing gig. I'm Loni. Welcome aboard, Miss...what is your name?"

"Pip-Piprina," she said on a whim, knowing that she would later regret not re-naming herself earlier. "Piprina Halli...bet. Piprina Hallibet."

Loni raised her eyebrows. "You start tomorrow."

XXX

Across the street in the reception area of The Ark Bark, Phoebe flipped through a week-old issue. It was no Bay Mirror, that was for sure. Because for one thing, everything in The Bay Mirror didn't rhyme. There was "Ark After Dark" (a gossip column written by Jessica Vark-a penname, she hoped), "Those Who've Left Their Mark on Ark" (profiles of the town's historical figures), "Ark Quarks" (notes from a science major at South Dakota State University who'd-surprisingly-grown up in Ark), "Ark on a Lark" (good day trip spots in and around town), and "The Ark Nark." The latter was an anonymous weekly crime drama about, from what Phoebe gathered in three issues, a woman who'd gotten in with a gang to spy for the police department and fallen in love with the leader. The news was simply titled..."News.'

Marge Franklin, the graying editor, beckoned for Phoebe to come into her office. "You must be here about the advice column."

Phoebe nodded. "And just let me say, your newspaper is quite creative."

"Well, we need some creativity for our column." Marge lowered her voice. "We got a few letters from disgruntled women saying that they wanted something that pertained to their lives a bit more than crop rotation did."

Smart women, Phoebe thought. All she said was, "Oh."

"What's your name?"

"My name...ah..."

"How do you spell that?"

Phoebe laughed. "No. My name is Phe...Fifi."

"Fifi?"

"Yes. Fifi Francisco."

"Colorful."

"I had unique parents."

XXX

Johanna limped into the gym. Everyone else was already in the locker rooms, but everyone else hadn't leaped for a pass, intending to be a sexy sports girl but coming off as a spastic nut with weak ankles.

"You okay?" Cole asked. (His opinion of "dressing down" for class had been removing his tie.)

"Fine." Johanna smiled with all the confidence she could muster.

"Ask your left ankle. I think it would disagree with you."

"Think I suck at this? Wait'll you see me in geometry next hour."

"How many classes do I have you for?" Cole asked.

"Geometry," answered Johanna, "and chem after that."

Cole looked around. "What do we do now?"

"Homeroom."

"You're not in mine?"

"Sweetheart," she drawled, "not all your dreams can come true."

As she walked away, she congratulated herself on playing it cool. Then she stumbled over an extension cord, breaking the illusion and possibly her ankle.

XXX

Paige flipped lazily through the newspaper.. She knew that Piper was anxious for her to go do something-she was too-but she didn't exactly know what. There were no human service agencies that she'd seen (even though from the looks of a few people, one was needed).

"I could work at...Wal-Mart. Or the mall somewhere." Paige paused. "Or I could skip the job hunt and mix up another potion to get us out of here."

That was it, she realized. A potion had gotten them into the mess, and a potion could get them out.

She put down the paper and weent over to the kitchen cabinets. She'd have to try to re-create exactly what had happened, figuring that she'd made some sort of universe-jumping elixer. If she could just get in the same mood.

Pulling a pan out of the cabinet and putting it on the stove, she tried to remember her emotions. Inferior...annoyed...useless...pissed off...

"Talking to myself," she said as she began to add ingredients at random. "I was talking to myself. How I just was trying to help and I'd messed up everything. How no one else screwed up witchcraft in the Halliwell family, only me. And I guessed I proved myself, too. Have you ever seen Piper get everyone into some crazy alternate reality? And I bet even if she ever would do that, it wouldn't be as far out there as this one. Yep. I'm the Charmed One to look out for. Careful, or she'll blow you to kingdom come!" She threw a dash of...something...into the steaming liquid. "Why can't I just put everything back the way it's supposed to be? All of the family under one roof. Our roof, not one two thousand miles away."

The potion went from steaming to smoking. This one wasn't red, like the first had been-it was a dark green. Paige looked at it suspiciously. "This is so not the same."

There was a high whistling noise and the pot exploded. Paige ducked.

When she looked up, she came face-to-face with a not-pregnant Piper, a kissing Phoebe and Cole, and a very alive Prue.

"Oh crap."


	11. They Did The Time Warp Again

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Ten: They Did The Time Warp. Again. **

There were ten seconds of complete silence before Prue spoke.

"Who are you and why did you bring us here?"

"I'm your sister!" Paige exclaimed. "And you guys weren't supposed to come here!"

"Where is 'here'?" asked Piper.

"Minnesota. 2007." Paige paused. "What year are you guys from?"

"2001," Phoebe answered.

That was the last thing Paige heard before she fainted dead away.

**XXX**

"So if C equals...uh...ten, that what does B equal?"

"Seven," drawled Jenna Frampson, the lone freshman in geometry class.

"And how do you know that?" Cole asked.

"Because the formula is A plus B equals C, and it says that A is three, so three plus ten is seven." Jenna rolled her eyes. "I think we covered this in seventh grade."

"Actually," Johanna piped up, "I read that this is a very sophisticated new type being developed by the Board of Transcontinental Education, Subgroup Sampsonite."

"The who?"

Johanna shrugged. "My brother's on the committee."

"Brother?" Cole repeated. "You don't have a--"

"I have a question about the slope intercept formula," Johanna said hurriedly, shooting him a surreptitious glare.

"Hey," Jenna said. "What's your name?"

"Johanna."

"Not _you_." She pointed to Cole. "Your name."

"I'm Mr. Turn...what?" Cole asked Johanna, who was making frantic gestures. She shook her head pointedly. "No? Okay. I'm Mr. McMah--"

Johanna coughed loudly.

"I'm Mr. Tr--"

The coughing turned to hacking.

"Mr. von D-"

Wheezing.

"Are you all right?"

"This is Mr. Hansen," Johanna said through gasps. "He's got some memory problems."

"Hansen?" Cole looked at her strangely. "Where's that from?"

"Hey, about the assignment from yesterday," said Rex Niles, "did we actually have to have it done? Because mine's kinda at my grandmother's house in Minneapolis."

Cole didn't get a chance to answer that question, because the bell rang and the room cleared out faster than it would have if a bomb was set off.

"Nice going, Mr. Amnesia," Johanna growled.

"No one would have recognized 'Turner.'"

"Oh yeah? I know for a fact one-fourth of these people watch _Charmed_. Let's not get too caught up in the hick Midwestern village thing."

"Mr. Turner?" a voice crowed from the loudspeaker. "You have a phone call on pickup sixty-one."

He picked up the phone on the desk. "Hello?"

Phoebe's voice came through the phone lines shrilly. "Cole? You and Johanna have gotta get home now."

"Why? What happened?"

"I'll explain when you get here. Let's just say that Paige is never ever going to make a potion again."

"For the last time," a voice that sounded suspiciously like Phoebe's, "_who _is Paige?"

"You get that?" Phoebe asked Cole. "Get here. Fast."

Cole hung up and turned to Johanna."Can you turn your coughing into a full-blown cold?"

**XXX**

Johanna pushed the door open to the house. "All right. This had better be good, because I'm gonna miss a killer chem test and a voice lesson and oh my God, what have you done?"

In her kitchen, there were two Phoebes, two Pipers, another Cole, a Prue, and a very pale Paige. "One month ago this home had _no _charming people and now it has..." She counted. "_Eight_?"

"I can fix it," Paige promised. "I was making a potion and added the wrong stuff and then...wham." She gestured to the younger version of the Charmed Ones.

"This is nuts," said the older Piper. "Now we have to send all of us back to two different places. And where the hell are we all gonna sleep?"

"Are you stuck on horomonal?" the older Phoebe questioned. "I swear, you're like the tempermental Italian grandmother I never wanted."

"I don't think the baby likes the new universe. It's making me all wonky."

"Baby?" repeated the younger Piper. "You're--I'm--_we're _pregnant? Why didn't anybody tell me this?"

"Are you _blind_?"

Both Coles stuck their fingers in their mouths and whistled. All six Halliwell sisters clamped their hands over their ears.

"Thank you," the older Cole said. "Now. For matters of simplicity, we have to work out what to call everyone. Piper, are you married yet?"

"Duh_._"

"Not you."

"Ever since a couple of weeks ago," the other Piper responded, casting a fearful glance at herself

"Then we'll call you Mrs. Wyatt."

The newly christened matron wrinkled her nose. "Why's the other me get to keep her name?"

"Because I'm older than you," said Piper.

"You're not calling me Mrs. Wyatt. That makes absolutely no sense. I'll be..."

"Pipita," Johanna said. "Like they called Eva Peron Evita: 'little Eva.' She'll be 'little Piper.'"

"Works for me," both Pipers said.

"We'll call the other me Belthazor. And Phoebe..."

"I've got one for the younger Phoebe!" Johanna raised her hand. "Toby."

"That's a little out there," said Paige.

"It stands for Tolerable Phoebe."

Phoebe snorted. "That's nice."

"And you're Mother Theresa."

"May I ask why future me wasn't included in this little spell of yours?" Prue asked Paige.

Everyone exchanged glances. Had this been a musical, the words _Future Consequences _would have been spelled out in neon script and a chorus line would have sang a catchy little tune about leaving the past in peace as not to impede the present and screw up the future. But even Johanna's life wasn't that weird.

"I was ranting," Paige began slowly, "and only the people in the rant got caught up. You weren't, so you didn't do the time warp. Sorry."

"No biggie. I don't think one universe could handle one of me."

_Crisis averted, _Johanna said to herself. _Sadly._

Johanna's cat sniffed at the visitors with extreme caution. The look on her face suggested that she hadn't even gotten used to the first round of guests and that she was definitely leery of more.

"If that thing makes a move for me," Toby began, "it's gonna lose a life. I've lost my trust in felines, thank you very much."

"Ooh," said Johanna. "This is good. We've gotta figure out where these guys are from. Prue, what are the seven deadly sins?"

She furrowed her eyebrows. "Isn't that a Catholic thing?"

"And what happens if a familiar doesn't rid itself of all of its' lives before the next new moon?"

"It becomes invanquishable," Prue, Pipita, and Toby said together.

"Well, at least we know where in time you're from."

"Right." Piper nodded. "I'll make a list of things not to talk about."

The door to the kitchen creaked open and John stuck his head in. "What's going on out here?"

Johanna coughed once again. "I'm sick," she said.

"Shouldn't you be in bed, then?"

"I'm getting there."

John looked at the group that had congregated. "How many of you were there before?"

"Don't think about it too hard," Prue said. "It'll make your head hurt."

"I should just move out to the farm," John muttered as he pushed past everyone to leave the house. "It'd be a lot less crowded."

**XXX**

**_Major Events Not To Mention (written by the quintet of Phoebe, Paige, Piper, Cole, and Johanna)_**

_The Brotherhood._

_Shax._

_Ding, dong, the witch is dead. _

"Cole! That is so not funny."

_The Source of All Evil._

_The Fiancee of All Evil._

_The Husband of All Evil._

_The Father of All Evil._

_The Spawn of--_

"All right, Paige. I get it."

_Any of Cole's vanquishes except for the one Phoebe faked. Actually, let's be safe and not mention Cole at all._

_What and who Paige is. _

"We could lock her in the basement to avoid the temptation of asking."

"Cole, I'm gonna lock _you _in the basement as soon as I finish cleansing it of evil spirits."

"Afraid of the Woogyman?"

"He was probably your imaginary friend."

**XXX**

At about ten o'clock that night, after a quick hello-and-goodbye to Marilyn and four frozen pizzas, the nine launched into a difficult discussion that Pipita triggered with a "So who's sleeping where?" Toby quickly volunteered to share a bed with Belthazor, which caused Johanna to spend five minutes singing "I love season three!" and tap dancing from the dining room to the living room and then back again. Then Paige suggested that she share a room with Prue, which was vetoed by Phoebe, Piper, and Cole in quick succession.

Finally, after fifteen minutes of getting nowhere, Johanna went over to the organ and played a loud barrage of notes to silence the crowd. "The Phantom of the Living Room Antique calls for silence." She opened a hymnal that had somehow made its' way from Vast Western to her home and uncapped a pen. "For those of you that don't know, there are two open bedrooms upstairs, three if you don't mind sharing with me. I'd choose Cole, as I've said no less than ninety-seven times. And if worse comes to worst, somebody can sleep on the couch down here. Make a decision before I draw names out of a hat." She paused. "Now there's an idea."

"My Cole and I will be together," Toby said. "And the other me and the other Cole can go somewhere."

"I wish," said Johanna. "Wait. The Coles and Phoebes can have a room together."

That was shot down faster than Paige's suggestion was.

By eleven o'clock, the council had reached a verdict.

**_Who Sleeps Where (And With Who). Written by the loyal scribe, Johanna, on the margin of a page she'll probably need someday._**

_The Green Room_

_Piper and Pipita_

_The Orange Room_

_Phoebe and Paige_

_The Downstairs Room That Was My Grandmother's Before She Died_

_Toby and Belthazor_

_My Room_

_Prue and..._

_...wait for it..._

_COLE._

_I love my life._


	12. A Polka Rave?

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Eleven: A Polka Rave?**

It was the night of the hottest event in town. Forget the finale of _CATS _on Broadway--this was bigger and more monumental than ever before. The paper had been screaming the headlines since August.

That's right. You guessed it.

August Higgins And The Polka Dots were coming to Ark.

"And _why _do we care?" Phoebe asked the front page of The Ark Bark. The paper's title was all wrong for this week. It should have been The Ark Howler. Every page was plastered with invitations to come to the community center for "a night of good ole' fashioned fun and food--lefse and lutefisk included in price of meal!"

Whoever came up with the puns was having a field day. There was a special column entitled "Polka-ing Fun At Our Heritage" and "Those Who've Left Their Mark on Ark" was about church founder Clement Polk.

"The office," Phoebe decided as she stood up from her desk, "has gone batty."

**XXX**

The cafe staff had gone batty too, as Piper was quickly realizing down at the community center. After spending the better part of the morning setting up tables, Loni had instructed her to scrub them until they could double as mirrors. "After all," she'd said nervously, "everything has to be perfect for tonight. It'll be the biggest rush we've ever had. There are people coming from North Dakota and Wisconsin. So go! Wash! And it had better be good!"

Kay, a tall brunette waitress who looked like a candidate for the cover of _Cosmpolitan _or at least one of its' knockoffs, sighed. "I swear that Loni's gonna age about twelve years in one day."

"Why is everyone going so nuts about this polka band?" asked Piper.

"It's the only thing that's happened in Ark for about fifteen years. And some music is better than no music, so..." She shrugged. "We smile and yodel."

"We have to yodel?"

The other waitress, Nina, a scrawny redhead who was a dead ringer for a Woodstock hippie, tossed a sponge to Piper and laughed. "You haven't seen the costumes, have you?"

"Costumes?" Piper's heart stopped. "What costumes?"

**XXX**

"We are leaving in one hour," John shouted up the stairs. "You all had better be ready."

It was hard to hear his message over the electronic dance-pop blaring from Johanna's CD player. It was strange, she realized. All of her life she'd wanted sisters and now she had six Charmed Ones. Even if they wouldn't be around forever, they were giving her a taste of having a big family. She would miss it.

But she wouldn't miss having a free bathroom.

"Toby." Phoebe banged on the door. "Did you accidentally drown yourself?"

"I'm curling my hair."

"There are outlets everywhere!"

"They're all being used."

"You are holding my makeup hostage," Prue said, adding her own cadence to Phoebe's knocking. "I look like I didn't sleep at all."

"Probably," began Cole, "because you didn't."

"Yeah." Prue gave Johanna a death stare. "Someone neglected to tell us that she talks in her sleep."

Last night had most definitely been interesting. Johanna, Cole, and Prue had dragged two cots in from the porch, up the stairs, and fought with them for a good half an hour. Then there had been the issue of finding sheets and comforters, which had sent everyone on a scavenger hunt throughout the Carlson home. Belthazor had given up and zonked out on the couch around midnight, with Toby and Paige following soon after. Prue had finally looked at the unmade cot and dismissed it with a simple "Screw it." Cole collapsed on his after stealing one of Johanna's pillows, the fatigue of a long day at Vast Western Lutheran High School at last overpowering him.

"I'm usually asleep when I'm talking in my sleep, so that means I wouldn't know," croaked Johanna.

"What's with your voice?" Phoebe asked.

She put her hands on her hips. "I nearly coughed up a lung yesterday and it's coming back to bite me." She smacked the laughing Cole. "And it's your fault!"

"Oh, really?" Cole pulled her closer and cupped her chin in his hands.

Johanna had never known the meaning of the word _swooning _until that very moment. "I've gotta...uh...go change. Into clothes. Into other clothes." She clumsily walked towards her room, bumping into the wall as she went. She shut the door with a half-hearted thunk.

Cole smirked. "That was fun."

"You're gonna give the poor girl a heart attack," said Prue. "And by the way, what's going on with you and Phoebe? Lovers' quarrel?"

"We had a little falling out," Cole admitted.

"I never thought I'd live to see that."

That was the end of _that _conversation.

The light green and bright orange bedrooms were aflurry with clothes. Paige had spent the day planning possible outfits that said "polka chic," which hadn't gone so well. Eventually she'd given up and thrown together things that shouted "I'm from California and there, polka isn't something to shout about!"

"This is so weird," Pipita said, picking up a sleeveless teal blouse with ruffles down the front. "I feel like...I don't know. You're my younger sister but I don't know anything about you."

"There's not much to know," said Paige. "I think the other Piper and Phoebe pretty much filled you in when I was unconscious."

Pipita laughed. "It's just strange to know that I've got another sister out there somewhere."

"I wouldn't advise going looking for her, though," Piper said as she held out a black dress with gold beads along the V-neck for consideration. "All things in time, you know. What do you think of this?"

"Too Vegas for you," appraised Paige. She took it. "But perfect for me."

Toby, who'd been evicted from the bathroom by herself and Prue, stuck her head into the room. "I have no clothes."

"Funny, I haven't seen you walking around naked lately," said Pipita.

"Correction. I have no clothes suitable for a polka concert, which, by the way, is an insult to music everywhere."

"I don't think it matters what you wear," Paige said. "I'm beginning to think this is more like a rave."

"A polka rave," repeated Toby.

All four burst into laughter.

"The only person in this room that has to be concerned about what they're wearing," Piper began, "is me."

"Why?" asked Toby.

"It's...it's terrible. Never mind."

"Come on. Now that you've started, you've got to finish."

"Fine," Piper growled. "All of the waitresses at the cafe have to wear lederhosen."

"Leder-whaten?" Paige asked, afraid to find out the answer.

"Khaki shorts with ugly suspender and ugly white puffy blouses and green hats with feathers stuck in them. Toby! Stop laughing! This is not funny! Same to you, Pipita. Just remember, this'll be happening to you in less than two years."

Her double abrutly stopped chortling. "Great."

Belthazor appeared in the doorway to the orange bedroom. "John sent me up here to tell you that the bus is leaving in forty-five minutes."

"Bus?" Pipita asked.

"I'm guessing he means Johanna and Marilyn's Jeeps, the Taurus, and the Buick," said Piper. "And speaking of, there are three people in this family and, like, seven vehicles. What's up with that?"

"Maybe they break a lot," Paige said. "I don't even think the big white car runs."

"We'll find out tonight," said Belthazor. "And, Phoebe, by the way? I would have no complaints about you walking around naked."

"Yuck," Piper, Pipita, and Paige said in perfect unison.

**XXX**

At exactly six o'clock, the six Halliwells, two Coles, and three Carlsons gathered outside the house to split up the vehicles.

Phoebe rubbed her bare arms. "Can we snap this up?"

"You should've worn a coat," Marilyn said.

"Or sleeves," added Prue.

The tank-top clad witch folded her arms and said nothing more.

John clapped his hands together. From his position at the top of the steps, he looked like a general prepping his troops on what to expect in the coming battle. "Okay," he shouted. "The community center is about a block--"

"A.K.A. the length of the entire town," Phoebe said under her breath.

"--to the northeast of here. Johanna knows where it is if you city folks don't know much about how to get around in small places like this. Marilyn and I are going to head over in the pickup, but I figured that you young people might want to walk. It'd be good exercise and you'd get to see some of the sights."

What followed could have formed a very interesting Mad Lib.

"Walk?" screeched the Phoebes.

"Sights?" Paige snorted.

"City folks?" repeated Prue.

"The pickup," Marilyn sighed.

"Young people?" Cole asked incredulously.

John paused, an unsure expression on his face. "Is that okay?"

"It's fine, Dad," said Johanna. "You and Mom go and we'll be there soon."

The eldest Carlsons boarded the black and red monstrosity. With the roar of a jet engine, it sprang to life and rolled out of the driveway.

"We're _walking_?" Toby demanded. "Johanna, these heels are only fit for a dance floor, not a gravel road."

"Same here," said Phoebe, holding out a turquoise-sandalled foot to prove her point.

"Mine too," Pipita said.

"You're wearing flats," said Belthazor.

"Yes, but they're velvet. Velvet plus gravel equals bad."

"Do you honestly think I'd make you walk?" Johanna asked. "I've got two-and-a-half-inch heels on these boots." She pulled a key out of the pocket of her dark denim skirt. "I got the key to the other pickup, my lieblings."

And in that short sentence, Johanna became intensely popular.

**XXX**

"We're he-ere..." Johanna flung open the squeaky driver's side door. "You guys all right back there?"

"Fine," Piper coughed.

It had been a challenge, but all nine people had been able to fit into the rusty brown and white truck. Phoebe, Toby, and Pipita had crammed themselves into the front, leaving Cole, Belthazor, Piper, Paige, and Prue to fight for spaces in the back.

"Let me out of here," said Pipita, nearly leaping into her older self's arms. "I think I lost half my head on that last bump."

Toby rubbed her head. "Ow."

"She's gotten _better_ since when first we got here," said Phoebe.

"And you survived?" Prue asked amazedly.

"Lay off," said Johanna, slinging her bulging red bag over her right shoulder. "Go eat. Drink. Be merry."

"What's on the menu for tonight?" asked Belthazor.

Piper smiled tightly. "Lutefisk and lefse."

"Excuse me?"

"Don't ask. I don't know what it is any more than you do."

"Weren't you one of the ones that catered this spread?"Cole questioned.

"I don't cook. I wait tables and I clean. The only one that Loni trusts enough to cook," said Piper, "is Loni."

"Why is it that whenever I get a job as a chef, I never get to actually be a chef?" Pipita asked.

"That's one of the great mysteries of the ages." Piper checked her watch. "Crap. I've gotta go get my lederhosen."

Cole blinked twice. "Your what?"

"Toby will explain."

And the nine entered the community center, girding their loins for what was to be.

_A/N: I had to put polka in here somewhere. You can't live in the Midwest and not do polka. It's the national sport for those over fifty-five. Don't believe me? Watch "The Big Joe Polka Show" on RFD-TV sometime..."rural America's most important network" (or so they say)._

_Here's something interesting and pointless I did today: I made a trailer/promo for this fic on MovieMaker. No video clips, just stills, but a lot of transitions and a song that my laptop already had on it, since I'm not really sure how to do the internet music thing just yet. (Be gentle. It took me awhile to get used to typing.)_

_And yes, said trailer/promo includes a polka band member, his accordion, and his lederhosen._


	13. The California Players

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Twelve: The California Players**

"I am so going to kill Johanna," Phoebe said, looking around the Ark community center in despair. "She abandons us in the midst of…this."

"This" was a group of seventy-five Minnesotans milling around and exchanging pleasantries. Several gave the Halliwells and Turners suspicious glances.

"What?" Pipita asked under her breath. "Yes, there are three sets of twins. Big deal. Look away."

"And Cole's apparently a heartthrob," added Paige.

Toby smiled. "Yes he is."

"We're overdressed," Prue said suddenly. "Everybody else is wearing jeans."

"We're trendsetters," corrected Pipita. Her eyes widened as she caught a glance of something beyond her older sister's shoulder. "Oh my God. Look."

Everyone turned to see a very disgruntled Piper in, as promised, lederhosen and a Robin Hood-esque cap. Phoebe and Paige were the first to laugh.

"Welcome to Germany," snorted Prue.

"I have a feeling that that's a trend that won't be catching on," Belthazor commented.

Cole leaned against one of the freshly-scrubbed tables. "That look is really you, Piper."

"I," she began, "am quitting my job."

"How much do they pay you to wear that?" asked Toby.

"Not enough."

A chubby woman with light red hair took the microphone next to the piano at the far side of the room and clicked it on carefully. It squealed, causing most everyone to jump and then chuckle good-naturedly.

"One of these days I'll get the hang of these new-fangled doohickeys," she chortled.

"Weren't microphones around in the fifties?" Phoebe asked.

Piper grunted.

The woman fluffed her hair. "For those of you that don't know, my name is Marjorie Wicksham. I am so happy to welcome you all to Ark's Fifth Annual Polka Celebration, this year featuring August Higgins And The Polka Dots."

Everyone burst into enthusiastic applause. The elderly woman next to Cole let out an excited scream and was rewarded with a jump and a subsequent glare.

"But before we get to the music," the woman continued, "we've got some delicious food from the Ark Café."

There was more enthusiastic applause.

Toby poked Phoebe's arm. "Is she glaring at me?" she asked. "I think she's glaring at me."

Phoebe examined the twitching Marjorie. "I think she's glaring at everyone."

"So let's form an orderly line. Loni told me that there will be a freewill offering, so contribute whatever feels right to you."

"A wise man once told me," said John from the front of the crowd, "'Don't give 'til it hurts, give 'til it feels real good.'"

A strangled groan indicated that Johanna was within earshot.

"I gotta go serve lutefisk," said Piper.

"What _is _lutefisk?" Phoebe asked.

"Warm white fish."

"Okay, I'm officially done with the Midwest now."

Johanna appeared next to Cole. "Sorry to abandon you, but one of my friends was having a crisis. Her sister stole her shoes for tonight and her mother wouldn't let her wear a halter top." She lowered her voice. "Thank God."

"We should get in line," said Prue. "Don't want Phoebs to miss out on her favorite food."

They fell in behind a large man with a long beard. Toby shoved Belthazor in front of her for protection. Prue crossed her arms over her (actually Marilyn's from the seventies) low-cut white peasant blouse.

Within ten minutes, the sisters, demons, and Johanna were seated at a table with a white plastic tablecloth. Phoebe sniffed the white lumps on her plate tentatively. "Has anyone ever died from this?"

"Quit being such a wimp," said Prue. "It's fine." To prove it, she raised the fork to her mouth and smiled. "See? I touched it and it didn't kill me."

"Eat it."

Prue grimaced. "I'm still debating that part."

Paige picked put a forkful of corn into her mouth. "This is fine," she said.

"And so's the…" Belthazor trailed off. "What kind of meat do you suppose this is?"

"Well, who's died recently?" asked Johanna.

"You're disgusting," said Toby.

"As is the café."

"Hey, that's my future workplace you're insulting," Pipita said.

"I'm not eating this until I know what it is." Cole cast the meat a somewhat apprehensive look.

"It's ham," said Phoebe. "I think."

Dinner passed slowly. Phoebe finally got up the courage to try the lutefisk, which made its' way from her mouth to a napkin very quickly. An elderly woman with a white and pink polo shirt shook her head and murmured something about "finicky young things" and got a scathing glare in response.

"One thing I've learned about the Midwest," Phoebe muttered, "is that everybody thinks that what everybody else is doing is public property."

"Well," began Johanna, "technically what you guys are doing _is _public property. Semi-public, anyway."

"I hate being a TV show," the pitcher-carrying Piper said as she walked past their table. "More water? Coffee? Margarine?"

"I'll take anything alcoholic," said Phoebe.

Toby elbowed her older self as Piper left to tend to two six-year-olds who were banging on the piano. "Come on," she said. "This is fun. We've got the best outfits in the room, we've got two deliciously handsome men--"

"Actually," said Cole, "_you_ have a deliciously handsome man."

"Would you call that statement homosexual or narcissisexual?" Johanna asked her glass.

Cole continued without a glance at the wordsmith. "_Phoebe _does not. Phoebe has made it abundantly clear that even in the most desolate of areas, even with the most provincial of people, even though _I have no powers_, she will never be with me again." He stood up.

"Did that finally click in?" Phoebe got to her feet as well. "If you would have gotten that message two years ago, I wouldn't have had to go through hell with you!"

"It kills you to have to see me every day, doesn't it?" Cole snarled.

"You are so self-centered," Phoebe snarled back. "Did you ever think about what I went through? I denied my heritage. I put my family in danger. I lost our baby, Cole! No one should have to experience all of that in one _lifetime, _let alone one _week_. So forgive me if I don't want to come running back to you!"

With that, she flew out of the community center.

"Was that pre-concert entertainment?" asked the frail-looking man at the next table.

"Yeah," Paige said with a forced laugh. "The, uh, dramatic stylings of the California Players, everyone."

Toby looked from Belthazor to Cole and back again. "What the hell is going on?" she asked finally.

"Stuff that you're not supposed to know about," said Cole.

"I'm gonna go find myself," Toby said. "And when I come back, somebody had better have a good explanation."

As she left, Piper came out of the kitchen with a worried look on her face. "What's going on?" she asked Paige. "I was in the back getting more ice. All I heard was shouting."

"Phoebe spilled the magic beans," said Paige.

"The secret's out?" Piper asked.

Paige nodded.

Piper took Prue's shoulders. "I know it's a lot to take in," she said. "You're probably really confused and wondering why this had to happen, but, you know, everything happens for a reason. If you hadn't died, we wouldn't have found Paige and she would have been in the dark about her destiny forever. Not that I don't wish that you were still with us, because I do, but you're with Mom and Grams and Andy now. You're in a good place. A lot better than here."

"_What_?" screeched Prue. "I _die_? When were you planning on telling me this?"

Piper glared at Paige. "She didn't know?"

"No!" Paige exclaimed. "I meant the whole Source thing."

"'Source thing'?" repeated Pipita. "What 'Source thing'?"

"I turn into the Source?" Belthazor asked. "No. That couldn't happen. I wouldn't let it--"

"You don't." Johanna added her own voice to the mix of confusion. "You take in the Hollow and--"

"Enough with the future information!" shouted Piper. "We're never gonna get back to our real lives. We're so screwed. The only thing that would work is memory dust and Leo's two gazillion miles away, worried sick that we're dead."

"This is future information that impacts the woman I love," Belthazor growled. "I'm not going to let her turn into your bitter sister."

"She's not bitter," Piper shot back. "She's hurt. Do you understand that concept?"

"When the hell do I die?" demanded Prue.

Cole stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled. "Shut up," he said. "Everybody shut up."

"My magnolias aren't doing well this year," a woman from the far end of the room chirped. Her voice echoed around the otherwise silent room.

"We're all going outside," said Cole. "Let's go. No need to air any other dirty laundry."

Belthazor, Pipita, Prue, Paige, Piper, and Johanna all did. Because really, what more was there to share?

_A/N: A little bit of a wait for this chapter, so forgive me. My goal is to get this story pretty much finished by the time classes start in late August, so feel free to give me a little kick._

_Oh, and for any "More Than She Bargained For" readers (and if you're not, it's a fine time to become one), an update is on its' way, I promise. _

_Seriously._

_So stop glaring at me._


	14. A Tale of Two Couples

**In A Most Unusual Way  
****Chapter Thirteen: A Tale of Two Couples**

Phoebe Halliwell was crying. Worse, she was crying over the man she'd sworn never to let into her heart again. And the worst was that she was crying in Ark's tractor museum on the wheel of a John Deere.

"This is so not happening," she said. "It's not, because it can't be."

"Phoebe," a familiar voice called. "It's…you."

She looked up. Toby had found her.

"Look," her younger self said. "All of this…what happened with you and Cole…it hurts. I know it does."

"Just wait," said Phoebe. "It'll hurt worse when it happens to you."

Toby leaned against another tractor. "Maybe it doesn't have to."

"What?"

"Maybe we came here to change this," said Toby slowly. "Cole's my--_our_--soulmate. We've established that."

"Well, my version of our soulmate went evil on me." Phoebe got up stiffly. "Do whatever you want with yours. I don't care."

Toby watched her leave, stunned.

"One thing I never thought I'd become," the blonde said, "is a quitter."

**XXX**

Across the parking lot were four Halliwells, two Turners, and a partridge (named Johanna) in a pear tree (called the back of the pickup). It was a tense silence that Cole could no longer stand.

"How did I get to be mediator in this?" he asked.

"Because you're the only one that wants to," answered Johanna.

"Just checking."

"I still want to know why nobody thought my death was worth mentioning," said Prue.

"It's a future consequence thing!" Piper shouted. "Do you honestly think we wanted you to get thrown through a wall?"

Cole winced. This was going to be tricky to navigate. "All right," he said. "We've got a lot of…issues."

"You think so?" asked Belthazor.

"I think the person with the most issues is MIA," suggested Paige. "Somebody should go look for Phoebe. Cole, you're obviously out. Prue, you've gotta deal with your death and Piper, you're kinda testy at the moment."

"I'll go," Belthazor said.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" asked Pipita. "I mean, Phoebe seemed a little bit against any Turner, no matter what form of evil they are...were...will be...whatever."

"No, he should go," Piper said. "Maybe a visit from the old Cole will help."

"Either that or she'll snap his neck," muttered Paige.

Belthazor climbed out of the truck. "I heard that."

"Go," said Prue.

"Can I come?" Johanna asked.

The answer, not surprisingly, was no.

**XXX**

A quick traipse across the gravel brought Belthazor to the museum. He paused, his hand on the door handle. "Phoebe?" he called.

"Which one are you?" a voice asked.

"Which one are _you_?"

"I don't hate you yet."

Belthazor opened the door and was accosted by Toby. "You okay?" he asked.

"Oh, I'm fine. I just found out that my boyfriend is going to become completely evil and we're going to spawn a new generation of badness." She smiled weakly. "A perfect day, huh?"

He hugged her a little closer. After knowing what would come to pass in less than two years, he couldn't help but appreciate what was passing now. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"Remember that."

Toby kissed him. "We can fix it," she promised. "We can save you, baby, I know we can."

"We don't know how, and I don't think anybody's gonna be up for sharing any other future tidbits."

"There might be one person." Toby raised her eyebrows. "Johanna."

"Piper would cut out her tongue."

"Well, according to Paige, there are DVDs--records of what happens between now and then. We could ransack those and see what we get."

"Are you proposing a wiretap of the future, Miss Halliwell?" asked Belthazor.

"Oh, I most certainly am."

"Top secret?"

"Always."

And the demon kissed the witch, dreams of a happily ever after dancing in both of their heads.

**XXX**

"We're missing the polka."

Johanna received multiple eye-rolls.

"I was just saying…" She trailed off. "Forget it."

"Where are Belthazor and the Phoebes?" Piper asked, shifting in the bed of the pickup. "My butt's asleep."

"I'll go look for them," Cole volunteered.

"And have both sets gone?" Prue shook her head. "I don't think so."

Cole stood. "In my opinion, you lost your say when you lost consciousness. _Ciao_."

"They're running out on us!" cried Pipita.

**XXX**

"Phoebe?" Cole called cautiously. His ex-wife was nowhere to be seen. In San Francisco, that would be cause for worry. Here, it was just annoying. "Come on. We need to talk."

"We're done with talking."

Cole peered around the edge of the community center and got a blast of muffled accordion from the propped-open door. "Seriously," he said.

Phoebe didn't divert her gaze from the evergreen tree she was tossing rocks at with fury. "I hate you," she said. "I loved you, I hated you, so screw you. Step on a land mine, I don't give a--"

"Yes you do." Cole moved closer. "I know you. True love never dies, Phoebe, and that's what we had."

"Spare me the Hallmark greeting card crap!" Phoebe threw a dark gray rock and missed her target completely. "I hate living with you constantly beating me with 'I love you.' You know why? Because I don't deserve the kind of love you give. Yours is totally unconditional and I can't be the same way. You keep thinking that nothing has changed and I can just go back to the way we were. I can't, okay? I cannot pretend nothing ever happened. I lost so much with you--"

"And you think I didn't?" demanded Cole. "You were talking about giving up your heritage. I gave up mine the second you stripped me of my demon half. I left everything I'd known for unfamiliar territory. And in case you're forgetting, that baby that you lost was part mine. It may have been the Source but it was our love that created it. Look at me, Phoebe." He grabbed her shoulders. "We went through hell. Together. At least you didn't have to be possessed by the Source for months. Every morning I would wake up and have this wild hope that today would be different and he would be gone, and then I'd realize that I had no control over my body. You have no idea what that's like."

"There was the Woogy," said Phoebe defensively.

"For a day. A _day, _Phoebe," Cole repeated. "Times that by sixty."

Her dark eyes glazed, as if calculating the agony. "You could have told me," she said at last.

"I _tried_. Do you remember the night when you asked if there was anything that I wasn't telling you? I was so close to blurting it out but it was like there was duct tape over my mouth. The Source's control is unimaginable."

Phoebe looked at the man--the man she'd loved--and felt something snap and lift at the same time. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I am so…sorry."

The tears came again. Cole looked at her uncomfortably, not sure what to do, then put his arms around her. "So am I," he said.

"Everything happens for a reason." Phoebe quoted her the phrase that had been her mantra for the past five years. "Maybe you became the Source as…I don't know. A test? A test to make us stronger?"

"There's an 'us'?" Cole asked, surprised.

"Whether I like it or not, there'll always be an 'us.'" Phoebe allowed herself to smile up at him.

"I should let you have some time to think about all of this--"

"No." Phoebe shook her head. "I've had too much thinking. Would you like to dance?"

'I'm a horrible dancer."

"Have you ever polkaed?"

"Never."

"Neither have I." She extended her hand. "Let's go."

And the demon and the witch re-entered the community center, dreams of a…well, they didn't know what kind of an ever-after they were dreaming of just yet.

_A/N: The time now is 2:28 A.M. and I wrote this all in one little sitting. Kinda crazy._

_This had more drama in it than the previous chapters, but in something like this (the whole Cole/Phoebe thing), there's bound to be a little bit somewhere. I figured that they both had old wounds that were festering and bound to explode at sometime--theirs just exploded in the company of August Higgins and the Polka Dots. _


	15. The Night Watchers

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Fourteen: The Night Watchers**

It was a bedraggled group that lurched home after the polka. Piper was fuming about everything from a headache to her lederhosen, Prue was adamant about getting to the bottom of her death, and Paige was blurting out "I'm sorry" to anyone that spoke to her. The Coles and Phoebes were the most alert of the bunch (besides Johanna, who was buzzing with possibilities for the new and hopefully improved plotline).

"I don't believe that you know how to polka," Phoebe laughed. She, Toby, and Cole had gotten in the cab first, which made their hostess want to sing the praises of truth.

"I had a stint in Germany," he said, accidentally bumping Johanna's arm. The truck veered slightly.

"Do you _want _me dead?"

"I'm sorry!"

"This night is just getting better."

Johanna winced. "I'm actually enjoying you guys more in forty-five minute format."

"Speaking of," began Toby, "I heard a rumor that you have our lives on DVD. Would you maybe consider letting Cole and I steal them for a little bit?"

Phoebe and her Cole exchanged looks.

"I'd love to," said Johanna, "but I really don't think that anyone else has that same emotion."

"Well…" Phoebe shrugged. "How much could it hurt?"

**XXX**

"Ow. That must have hurt."

"It did." Cole watched the onscreen Source of All Evil explode.

Toby shuddered. "Yuck."

"Anyone want more popcorn?" Johanna asked, getting up from the couch. "Some caffeine, perhaps? We're gonna have a long night in front of us."

"How long until Cole becomes the Source?" asked Toby.

"Not long," Phoebe answered. "I think." She looked to Cole for conformation.

"Watch and see." Cole got up from the brown armchair. "I don't want to watch it."

"Neither do I." Phoebe yanked him into a sitting position. "But we're going to."

The five were silent as the end of _Charmed and Dangerous _played. The Seer informed the Charmed Ones that the Source's powers had gone "into the void." Phoebe looked at Cole then, a new understanding in her eyes.

As much as she wanted to, Toby couldn't look away. This would be her in a year. This would be her life.

"_You're my hero."_

"_Oh, I'm nobody's hero."_

And Cole's eyes flamed and went dark, as did the screen.

"Oh my God," Toby said. "How--okay, how could I not realize this was going on?"

"That's what the world asks itself." Johanna left the room, muttering "save him save him save him save him" under her breath.

Belthazor glared at Phoebe. "This is a standard case of possession."

"Wait a minute," said Toby. "The only way to get rid of the Source is to vanquish him. There's no power stripping potion for someone with his powers. And Cole, you're not the Source now, so…" Her eyes widened. "No. I would never."

"Never say never," Phoebe and Cole recited.

"Who wants what?" Johanna shouted from the kitchen. "There's water…there's flavored water…there's carbonated water…there's flavored carbonated water…there's cheese…who the heck bought oysters?…there's turkey…"

"How about a nice big glass of _quiet_?" John roared from upstairs.

"Okay, then."

**XXX**

"I can't watch anymore." Toby rubbed her eyes. "I've seen my younger self, my future self, and my way future self. I have watched my literal wedding from hell and seen Cole torture Paige and turn her into a vampire."

"I've been up for twenty-four hours," Phoebe put in. "Can't we save the vanquishing for tomorrow's entertainment?"

Johanna picked up the remote and began to fast-forward through _We're Off To See The Wizard_. "I'll skip to the important parts."

Skip she did. In fast succession, Phoebe told Cole she was pregnant, killed the wizard, and became the Queen of All Evil.

"Stupid stupid stupid," Johanna growled. "Why did you stop the transfer of powers?"

"Because I was _evil_," said Phoebe incredulously. "I couldn't control it."

"Whatever." Johanna looked over at the sleeping Cole. "He's sure enthralled."

"Keep going," said Belthazor. "I want to see how all of this plays out."

"You die!" screamed Johanna. "It's as simple as that! The writers wanted to make a point that love _isn't _all you need and you go poof! Do not pass go, do not collect happiness! Whammy!"

Phoebe looked at her strangely. "Are you all right?"

"I've been up for twenty-four hours."

"That explains it."

Johanna didn't flip through _Long Live The Queen. _As much as everyone wanted to, they couldn't look away. The demise of the Source was too gripping. Cole woke up somewhere around the time Phoebe flamed in to visit her sisters and sat quietly, looking somewhat ashamed. By the time the Couple of All Evil left the Bay Mirror, both Phoebes were clutching pillows tightly.

"I hate this," Phoebe said thinly. "I hate watching this all over again. It's like reliving it."

"I hate it more," said Toby. "It's like I know that this is inevitable."

"Now that you know it, you can change it," Cole said.

"_He's going to kill us, Phoebe!" _

Johanna averted her gaze from the TV screen. "I can't watch this."

"If we do, you do," said Toby.

Cole's vanquish played out, as it had many times before. Phoebe kissed Cole one final time, apologized, and set the crystal down. The three recited the spell…"I'll always love you"…and the penthouse exploded.

"If I'm gone," Belthazor started a little weakly, "how do I get back?"

"You pick up powers in the demonic wasteland," said Johanna. "Except Phoebe doesn't want you, so that's a little bit of a problem."

"All right," a voice said from the doorway. "If they get to see how Cole dies, then I sure as hell get to see how I do."

The late-night (early-morning?) watchers twisted their necks to see a disgruntled woman in the doorway, her eyes bright and hair tousled.

"You guys are enough to wake the dead," said Prue, "and given that I _am _dead…"

"Are you kidding me?" Johanna asked. ""I have to get up in two hours!"

"It's a weekend."

"But if I sleep until noon, I'll get all screwed up and be wonky on Monday."

Prue glared at her. "If he gets a sneak preview, so do I."

"If there are seven episodes leading up to it, then I'm gonna live in suspense," yawned Belthazor.

"You just saw yourself die," Phoebe snapped. "The least you can do is show some shock."

"Well, now that we know, we can fix it."

Johanna ejected disc five of season four from the DVD player and fumbled around for disc six of season three. "Do you want to see the whole thing or just the end?"

"Summarize," said Prue, perching on the arm of the couch.

"Phoebe goes down to the Underworld to save Cole--_don't ask_--and you and Piper vanquish this demon named Shax, some reporter catches it on tape so you're the center of a media circus, a hippie nutjob kills Piper, the government wants to kill you for flinging people all over Prescott Street, and the Source will only get Tempus to reverse the whole mess if Phoebe crosses over." Johanna gasped for breath. "There you have _All Hell Breaks Loose _in a nutshell_._"

"Do I?" Toby asked. "Cross over, I mean."

Phoebe shook her head. "You guys get out fine."

"Good."

Johanna pressed play and drama filled the Carlson home once again.

"_Who are you?"_

"_The end."_

The eldest Halliwell sisters crashed through the wall in the Halliwell Manor and Shax flew out the door, shutting it ominously.

"That's it?" asked Prue. "He gets six hours of buildup and I get nothing?"

"But you get more mourning than he does," Johanna pointed out. "And you kinda get a cameo in late season seven."

"I do?"

Johanna shrugged. "Your invisible ghost shuts the door."

"Oh my God," said Toby. "It's my fault. I'll be with Cole and you're gonna need me to get the spell. Prue, I am so sorry."

"It was no one's fault," Cole said. "Everything happens for a reason. Aren't you girls always babbling about that?"

Phoebe looked at Cole for a moment. "If you had listened to me when I said that you shouldn't go back to the Brotherhood, Prue would still be alive. I never put it together until I looked at it from the outside."

"Phoebe--"

She stood up. "How could I have even thought that we could work?"

"Probably because you've been up for a day and a half," said Johanna, panic growing in her chest. "Come on, let's all go to bed and talk about it…today."

"Thank you," Phoebe said firmly.

"For what?"

"For showing me all this. For making me relive my memories."

She left the room, with Prue and Cole close behind.

"So this is all _my _fault?" screeched Johanna. "Oh, no no no! You're being stubborn! It wasn't him, it was the Source! Just because it walks like evil and talks like evil doesn't mean it _is _evil! When you feel like letting go, remember why you held on for so long! Nothing worthwhile is ever…oh, screw it. I'm out of platitudes." She exhaled worriedly. "Thank you very much, Paramount DVDs."

**XXX**

"Phoebe." Cole banged on his ex-wife's bedroom door. "We have to talk about this."

"It is five in the freaking morning, Cole," she said. "I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the past twelve hours. First I let you in, then I saw everything again, and now I don't know what's happening. Just leave me alone."

"Not until we figure this out."

"What's going on?" Paige asked sleepily. Cole heard the bed squeak. "Have you guys slept?"

The door that led into Paige and Phoebe's bedroom from Piper and Pipita's room creaked open. "Why are you up so early?" one of them questioned at the same time as the other let out a groan.

Cole felt like groaning himself. "Phoebe and I have to sort this out," he said.

"Cole?" Piper yanked the door open. "You're up too?"

"We never went to bed."

"Ew" was the last thing Paige said before burying her head underneath the covers again.

Cole rolled his eyes. "It's not like that. We were…"

"You were what?" Piper asked.

"We were taking a trip down memory lane," answered Phoebe.

"Who's 'we'?" Pipita asked suspiciously.

"Cole and Phoebe squared," Johanna said from behind Cole. "Or Cole and Phoebe times two. Whatever the math would be."

Piper put her hands on her hips. "You gave them future information? Phoebe, how could you?"

"They wanted to know!" she protested. "And if I could save myself from the pain I went through--"

"Our whole future could be messed up!" said Pipita incredulously.

"Do you know how big an event the whole Cole fiasco was?" Piper asked. "If that changes, we'll still have the Source running around and God knows what else."

Phoebe winced. "That's not the only thing that we watched."

Piper's glance darted behind her younger sister to her older sister, who was making a mad dash for Johanna's bedroom.

"'Night!" Prue called. "Bad dream, woke up, brushed my teeth, time to sleep."

"Is there _anything _you didn't share?" demanded Piper.

"Nobody knows about Cole becoming mortal before he--"

"_Phoebe!_"

She slapped her hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry. I really am. It's just…I don't want it to happen to me again."

"Which you?" asked Cole.

Piper sighed and put her arms around Phoebe. "I know, sweetie, but some things just have to. We'll sort all of this out in the morning, okay?"

"Okay." Phoebe looked at Cole. "I'm sorry," she said. "Can you wait until morning too?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

The door to the girls' room shut and Johanna looked at Cole sheepishly.

"Doesn't it feel healthier to have everything out in the open?"

_A/N: This day went on for much longer than I expected! I thought that the polka would entail of culture shock and yearning for San Francisco. Instead, it turned into a mass of emotion._

_For all of you pulling for Phoebe and Cole, don't worry. I am too. _


	16. JohannaAndTheAmazingFictionalCharacters

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Fifteen: Johanna and the Amazing Fictional Characters**

"Springtime for Hitler and Germany…Winter for Poland and France…"

Paige stiffened as she heard the door to the house slam. Johanna was singing upbeat, albeit offensive, showtunes. That was a sure sign that something good had happened.

Johanna flew into the dining room, her cheeks flushed and long black coat unbuttoned. "Where is everyone?" she asked eagerly

"Phoebe and Piper are at work," said Paige, "and I think Toby and Belthazor went for a walk."

"It's cold out."

Paige shuddered. "They were cuddling."

"Shh!" Pipita waved her hands at Paige from the living room. "We're trying to watch my wedding."

"I'm missing it?" Paige scurried in. "I told you to call me when it came back on!"

"We got involved in the plot," said Cole. "You know, I never knew Belthazor was so tall."

"People!" shouted Johanna. "My life is happening!"

"So's ours." Pipita nodded at the television. "I miss Leo."

Johanna bit her lip until the credits rolled, then burst into, "Oh my God, oh my God, you guys. All this week I've had butterflies."

Cole cocked an eyebrow at her. "Yes?"

"Every time he looks at me, it's totally proposalized."

"Okay, then," Pipita said, flipping the channel to the silently rotating Zap2It. "Anything else on we should watch?"

"Don't you get it?" Johanna screeched.

"You're freaking out about Cole like always," said Prue. "Nothing new under the moon there."

"Been there, seen that," added Paige.

"This has nothing to do with Cole!" Johanna shrugged. "No offense."

"I think the polka scrambled your brain," Pipita said with a horrified look on her face. "That and a combination of staying up way too late two nights ago."

"I am perfectly recovered." Johanna grinned. "Does anybody want to hear what happened to me today?"

"How long will it take?" asked Paige. "There's a movie on that I want to see at nine."

"My show is on at nine," Cole protested.

"Thank you, but I've already seen enough of your naked rear end to last two lifetimes." Paige nodded curtly, a slight look of disgust on her face.

"Technically it's not mine," said Cole. "It's Julian's."

"Whosever it is, I'm not complaining. Now." Johanna clapped her hands. "Today at approximately 3:41, I was in the music room tinkering away on the piano. Mr. Smythe was having some sort of grade analysis meeting because half the freshmen are failing everything. So there I was, playing It's All Coming Back to Me Now, and in walks Milt."

"Who?" asked Prue.

"Milt Ansel. In my class, Plays everything but sports?" Johanna shook her head. "You'll meet him sometime." She shimmied. "Anyway, I was kinda involved in what I was playing-you know, moving, because that song has a lot of jumping around-and singing, because that's what I do. And when I got done, I heard clapping. I turned around and there he was."

Pipita raised her eyebrows. "How Shakespeare."

"It gets better." Johanna took a breath before continuing. "And we just started talking, blah blah blah. Music stuff, drama stuff. Nothing big."

"A conversation." Cole nodded. "Certainly a reason to throw a parade."

"I'm not done with my story yet."

Paige shook her index finger at Cole in mock disapproval. "Bad demon. Interrupting is rude."

"Then he says-get this-he says that he's going to a musical tonight in Lamberton and has an extra ticket because his older brother has the flu," Johanna went on, "and he wants to go with someone who'll appreciate it. So guess who he asked!"

"You," Cole, Pipita, Paige, and Prue said in unison.

"Yes!" Johanna's eyes shone in anticipation. "Guess what the musical is."

"Something you like," they all recited. Once they had the redhead's interests ingrained in their memories, "guessing what" wasn't that hard.

"You guys are no fun."

Prue shrugged. "We're psychic."

"What musical is it?" asked Pipita. "Don't you like everything?"

"We are going to…" Johanna trailed off dramatically. "…_Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat_."

"What is with Andrew Lloyd Webber and Biblical stuff?" Paige wondered. "He's done Old Testament, he's done New Testament, what's next? The Really Useful Group presents: _Apocrypha!"_

Cole looked at her in shock. "What?" he asked.

"Hey, I was raised Catholic," said Paige. "It's kinda stuck with me."

"I'm gonna go start getting ready." Johanna waggled her fingers at the group. "Ciao."

"Make sure that he's not possessed by evil," Paige called after her.

"Or a demon in general," added Prue.

"Make sure your hair isn't tucked into the back of your top," Pipita put in.

Paige and Prue both raised their eyebrows.

Pipita shrugged. "Hey, somebody had to give advice on the mortal aspects of dating."

The back door slammed shut again. This time the sound that drifted in wasn't singing-it was arguing.

"Well, we can find another power-stripping potion! One that doesn't leave a void and doesn't make you the king of all evil." Toby stormed in, pulling off her black and burgundy plaid scarf. "I'm not gonna become future me, Cole."

"If you leave me a demon-" Belthazor started.

"No." Toby turned to face him. "You are the love of my life and I'm not going to have what happened to him" (she pointed to Cole) "happen to you. Do you understand that?"

Belthazor shook his head. "If another demon becomes the Source, the demons head straight for you to gain his favor. The Underworld will have plunged into chaos because of the loss of the leader, factions will form, and you and your sisters will be toast."

"We'll deal with it," Toby protested.

"Take a helpful hint," said Cole, standing up and going over to her. "For the sake of everyone's futures, don't strip his powers. You'll leave him vulnerable. It's like ripping half of you away. How would you like it you woke up one morning and your witch side was gone?"

"That's different," Toby protested.

"Oh really?"

The two looked at each other for a moment. Cole felt a pang of guilt-this woman was young, happy, and in love. And because of him, she'd turned into…

"Idiots. Total idiots." Phoebe stopped in the middle of the dining room. "My advice column's out," she called angrily. "And look what they put." She brandished the paper. "I had seven good letters that I responded to and they posted two. One from a lovesick farmer's wife and the other about how to deal with mildew."

"You answered a mildew letter?" asked Paige.

"I had writer's block," Phoebe answered, tossing The Ark Bark at her.

Pipita leaned over Paige's shoulder. "At least you look good in the picture."

"Geez, Phoebs," said Prue, glancing at the black and white photo of her younger sister. "You'll get more dinner invitations than actual letters."

"Oh, and those farmers are so hard to resist," Phoebe said with a dramatic sweep of the arm. "Can't you see me? 'Mrs. Phoebe Farmwife.' Or, 'Fifi Farmwife,' according to everyone here."

Cole snorted, pulling the paper away from Paige. "Fifi Francisco?" He looked up at her ex-wife incredulously.

Phoebe snatched the paper away from him. "What was I gonna say? 'Hi, my name's Alyssa Milano, you may recognize me from my television career with Aaron Spelling'?"

"Piper's 'Piprina Halibet,'" Pipita pointed out with a snicker. "You can't get much worse than that."

"True." Phoebe opened the paper again and a white envelope fell to the floor. She picked it up curiously. "What's this?"

"A marriage proposal already?" asked Paige.

Phoebe opened the envelope and extracted a half-size sheet of notebook paper. "'Dear Fifi,'" she read, "'As a gift for the publication of your first column, here are two tickets to the Lamberton Community Theater's presentation of _Joseph and the Dreamcoat_. Take your special someone and have a fun time! And once again, welcome to the Bark.'"

"That was nice of them," Pipita said.

Phoebe rolled her eyes. "The editor won them on some radio contest and didn't want to waste gas driving half an hour to go see something she didn't know about."

"Even so, it'll give you some time to reconnect with your 'special someone.'" Toby took Belthazor's arm and pulled him into their bedroom, leaving those remaining to try not to imagine what kind of reconnecting they'd be doing.

"Who're you taking?" Cole asked Phoebe cautiously.

"I don't even know if I'm going." Phoebe looked down at the tickets. "Do you think Johanna would want these?"

"She already has them," said Pipita.

"What?"

"Our Johanna has a date tonight," Paige told Phoebe.

"Don't worry," Pipita said. "She'll reiterate it for you no less than fifty times."

"Sixty," corrected Prue. "Almost like you when you got your date with Jason McIntosh in eighth grade."

"Bottom line," Cole said, "someone is going to go to this with Phoebe tonight."

"Since when are you in control of my life?" the dark-haired woman demanded.

He shrugged. "Free tickets shouldn't go to waste."

"Fine." Phoebe sighed, knowing she was beaten. "Go press your suit. We're leaving at seven."

"One question," said Prue. "How are you planning on getting there?"

"Driving." Phoebe's voice suggested that her older sister had lost her mind since her death.

"With what license?"

"With…" Phoebe trailed off. "Are you kidding me?"

"I know someone you could hitch with," Pipita said, a devilish glint in her eyes.

XXX

It should have been the perfect night. Johanna was on the way to a musical by her favorite composer in the galaxy with Milt Ansel, her musical soulmate. She was wearing her new black dress with the bubble skirt and a black wrap with gold designs. Her black stilettos from Frederick's of Hollywood had arrived yesterday and weren't cutting off the circulation to her feet yet.

What was cutting off her circulation was the couple in the backseat.

"You guys so owe me," she growled the moment Milt got out of the car to fill up on gas.

Cole and Phoebe exchanged sheepish glances.

"I mean, honestly," Johanna went on. "I love you two together. But when you crash my date with the first guy I've ever honestly liked?"

"You're fifteen," said Phoebe. "How many could there have been?"

Johanna's glare let her know that the question would not be answered.

"Think of it this way," began Cole. "If we get back together, you'll know that giving up this one evening played a part in it."

"And if you don't, my suffering will be in vain." Johanna sighed.

"Would you have liked us to drive ourselves?" asked Phoebe. "If we would have been picked up for speeding, we would have had no identification or insurance."

"Who said you had to come?" Johanna shot back.

"Excuse me, but aren't you the girl who tells me on a daily basis to take him back? I thought you'd be jumping off the walls."

"But you two eventually have to go back to your own world." Johanna leaned over to examine her makeup in the rearview mirror. "Milt stays in mine."

"How do you know he isn't evil?" asked Cole.

Johanna shook her head. "You're paranoid."

"'Cautious' is the word."

"Mark my words, if he turns out to be a…demon," she finished emphatically as the door opened and Milt slid in behind the wheel. "That's what the speech at Vast Western is. He's tough. Tell the spitting story, Milt."

The dark-haired musician raised his eyebrows. "Are you okay?" he asked Johanna.

"Fine," she said. "I just want to show my friends a good time. You know, excitement in the metropolis of Lamberton and all that jazz." She paused. "Am I acting strange?"

"Just a little."

"Oh." Johanna nodded, turned up the classical station on the radio, and began to wish that for two hours, her visitors would disappear.

XXX

"I don't believe," began Cole under his breath, "I am watching a Bible story presented in song and dance."

Phoebe elbowed him none-too-gently. "Shush," she chastised quietly. "It's free entertainment."

"It's worrying me."

"Why?"

"Because I actually like it."

"Will you two be quiet?" Johanna hissed, twisting her head around. "I can't hear the Narrator."

Phoebe and Cole exchanged looks like two kids caught talking in church. After all, in a roundabout way this was Johanna's form of religion: music with a dose of God thrown in for good measure.

"Cole?" Phoebe whispered after several seconds had passed since their scolding.

"Huh?"

"I'm glad you invited yourself."

And then, in the middle of "Pharaoh's Story," the two feuding lovers bridged the gap between themselves.

"Johanna?" Milt began cautiously.

She tore her attention away from the stage. "Yeah?"

"Is there something going on between those two behind us?"

Johanna glanced over her shoulders to see the kissing fictional characters. She closed her eyes momentarily to restrain from shouting "Victory!" then and there.

"There is so much going on between those two," she finally said, "it would take three years to catch you up."

_A/N: 'Ello, all! It's 3:57 A.M. but this called to be written._

_I knew that a musical theatre chapter would have to happen somewhere. Think of it as a preview for More Than She Bargained For, which has a new chapter soon to be posted, believe it or not._


	17. Third Time's The Charm?

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Sixteen: Third Time's The Charm?**

"Hemlock." Paige looked at the poisonous plant curiously. "I wonder if this would help us get home."

"To our eternal home, maybe." Piper opened the kitchen cabinet. "I wish you'd written down what you used in that stinkin' potion."

"Me too," the redhead replied.

"Well, we can't change that now," Prue said firmly. "Now where are the Phoebes?"

"There's one." Pipita gestured to the door.

"Prue, can't we have the Halliwell Bakeoff_ after_ the sun is up?" Toby asked sleepily, trudging into the kitchen in a pink chenille robe.

"Hey," said Pipita. "Your boyfriend is _here_. My husband is a universe _away_. Do the math with that."

"Leo," Piper moaned, leaning her head against the dark wood of the cabinets.

"Maybe he doesn't even know that you're gone," Paige suggested. "Maybe I put something in the potion that froze time back there."

"You've got one kick-ass knack for potions, then," said Prue. She was impressed with her youngest sister, even though she'd never admit it to either Piper. Even though the concoction had been a mistake, it definitely packed a punch.

"Thanks." Paige flushed. "That means a lot, coming from you."

"You obviously haven't heard about some of her bigger disasters," Toby said.

"I haven't had any disasters," protested Prue. "Not big ones, anyway."

"Oh, please. We had three of you running around the Manor for a day."

"Those who live in glass houses, Phoebs," Pipita said. "You were the one that cast the smart spell on yourself."

"Who was the one that got possessed by some stripper two months ago?" Toby asked. "I still don't think P3 will ever be the same."

"Wait a minute," said Paige. "You guys screwed up too?" It's not just me?"

Piper looked at her in disbelief. "You honestly think we've never messed things up?"

"From the way you were treating me when we first ended up here…and then when I brought the past to us…" She trailed off. "And you've been acting like you wanted to kill me."

"She's been acting like she wants to kill everybody," said Toby. "It's hormones."

"Keep your nose out of my hormones," Piper snapped.

"Example one."

Piper sighed, an uncomfortable wave of guilt rushing over her. "I'm sorry," she said to Paige. "It's just…this is all so weird and I've got enough weird in my normal life."

"That's why we're gonna fix it," said Prue. "All right, roll call. Piper and Paige are here…I'm here…Toby's kinda here…where's Phoebe?"

"Haven't seen her," Paige said. "I didn't hear her come in."

"Did you see her this morning?" Pipita asked.

Paige yawned. "I don't even know what I'm wearing."

"What about Cole? Has anybody seen him?" Piper shut the cupboard. "Or Johanna?"

"Johanna's sleeping," said Prue. "And FYI, I think she dreams about composing musicals, because she sings songs that don't exist."

"But nobody's seen Cole and Phoebe since last night?" Piper persisted.

"_WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING IN MY PORCH?" _

The five women froze.

"Sounds like the lost have been found," Prue said after several seconds of absolute silence.

She, Toby, Pipita, Paige, and Piper cautiously crept through the dining room into the living room. Through the window to the porch, they saw John staring in horror at something below their line of sight.

"We are so gonna get kicked out," muttered Toby.

"Quick," Piper said, "let's go before he sees us."

They were too late. John had barged into the living room. " 'Let's watch the witch show, let's watch the witch show,' " he said in a falsetto. "Well, the witch show has taken control of my whole damn house. 'Do we have any burdock root? Where are the matches?' 'Oh yeah, Dad, I took the pickup because we wouldn't all fit in my Jeep.' " He glared at them. "Go home!"

"We're in the process of doing that," said Toby. "It's not as simple as one-two-three, though. There's stuff--"

"That you will learn about another time," Prue finished.

"Thank you for your hospitality," said Pipita weakly. "We're going to buy you a card."

"My hospitality does not include half-naked people sleeping in _my _porch!"

With that, John stomped away.

The five looked at each other in disbelief.

"They didn't," Piper said.

"They couldn't," Paige said.

"They _did_!" Johanna sang, leaping past the sisters. "_Oh what a beautiful morning_…"

**XXX**

"Sea salt?"

"Sea salt."

"Amethyst?"

"Amethyst."

"Explanation?"

"Expla--what?" Phoebe asked Piper.

Piper put the stone down on the kitchen table. "How did you go from barely tolerating Cole to sleeping with him on the front porch?"

"Last night…" Phoebe sighed, trying to mentally put together something that would sound reasonable. "Piper, I miss him. He was the love of my life."

"He was also the Source of All Evil," said Paige pointedly.

"_He _was not the Source," Phoebe corrected, feeling oddly like Johanna, "he was _possessed _by the Source. Those are two different things."

"Are they?"

"Fine." Phoebe put her hands on her hips. "You were once a vampire."

"I was not," Paige said. "I was bit by one and that transformed me into a bloodsucker. I had nothing to do with it."

"Well, neither did he."

Paige rolled her eyes. "Cole also tried to kill us."

"You did too."

"I did not!"

"Oh, were you just insatiably attracted to us because of our perfumes, then?" asked Phoebe. "Face it, Paige. Every single one of us in this room has went evil and every single one of us has bounced back."

Prue nodded. "I was the wife of a warlock."

"Possessed by the Woogy," Toby put in.

"Fury," said Piper grudgingly.

"Wendigo," Pipita added, then paused. "What's a Fury?"

"That's a lesson for later," Phoebe said. "Bottom line, we've all tried in some way or another to kill each other."

Paige sighed. "But Cole was the leader of all the demons you just mentioned. It's like Al Capone versus all his minions. He was worse."

"And I was married to him," said Phoebe quietly. "I was the Queen of All Evil and you took me back."

"Sweetie," began Piper carefully, "do you really want to go through all of that again? I'm not saying that it would happen, but what would you and Cole got back together and he went evil again?"

"She would do what she had to do," Cole said from the doorway. "She'd fight like hell to get me back and if you three did vanquish me for the third time, I wouldn't come back into your lives unless she wanted to."

"Buddy, the third time would _not _be the charm for you," Paige muttered.

"New subject," said Johanna as she breezed into the kitchen.

"Aren't you supposed to be in school?" Prue asked.

"Thanksgiving break." Johanna waggled the expandable turkey that she was holding at the oldest Halliwell.

"Crap." Pipita looked around the kitchen. "We're gonna have to clean fast."

"Really fast," Johanna put in. "Mom snuck out the front door to get the turkey she forgot to pick up for the past two weeks."

"Wait," said Phoebe. "Thanksgiving is _today_?"

Johanna tapped the Norman Rockwell calendar hanging on the door and squawked.

"Huh?" Cole asked her.

"That's turkey talk for 'yes.'"

"We'd better hurry up with this potion, then," Phoebe said, glad to turn the conversation away from her recent escapade with Cole. She glanced at the pot that Piper was stirring. "How's it coming?"

The brunette wrinkled her nose. "I don't know yet."

"You should let me do it," Paige said. "I mean, I'm the one that made the first two."

"Would you like to summon us from season seven too?" Piper looked at Johanna. "There _is _a season seven, right? I mean, we don't get cancelled or anything?"

Johanna grinned. "I got it for my fifteenth birthday. I watched twelve episodes in two days."

"How many seasons do we get in total?" asked Toby. "Just out of curiosity, I mean."

"Eight," she answered. "And then you live happily ever--"

"Shh!" Piper shook her wooden spoon at Johanna. "One more word and that turkey goes up your nose."

"Example two," Toby murmured to Paige.

"Who does 'you' include exactly?" Cole asked casually.

Johanna averted her eyes. "That's classified information for those who have the DVDs."

"Yeah, where did you hide those?" Paige asked.

Piper shot her a glare.

"Not that I've been _looking_…"

"They're someplace very safe," said Johanna. "Someplace where no one would think to look."

"The chest on your dresser?" Phoebe asked.

"No, that's where she hides her _Nip/Tuck _DVDs from her father," Cole corrected.

"Under your bed?" guessed Prue. "No, that's where the dust bunnies live. Let's see…"

"Does anyone want to switch rooms with them?" Johanna demanded. "It's like living with Homeland Security."

"You're not that secretive," Cole pointed out.

"Hey, you don't know about the piano bench."

The minute the sentence flew out of Johanna's mouth, she knew she was done for.

"They're in the porch!" Toby shouted out the kitchen door.

"Where?" a voice instantly recognizable as Belthazor's called.

"The piano bench!'

"Did you plan this?" Johanna asked incredulously. "Or did you just take advantage of my momentary idiocy?"

"We knew you'd let it slip," said Toby.

"I don't believe this," Piper said, an edge in her voice. "Should we just sit down and watch the whole series? The one thing we all have learned is that the future isn't like cable. You can't tune in whenever you want and expect to not pay the price later."

"So it's like Pay-Per-View?" Johanna suggested.

"Exactly!"

"Maybe we won't remember this when we get back to where we're supposed to be," said Paige. "If my potion froze time, we could get back and go on with our lives like nothing happened."

"I hope not." Johanna winced, thinking of what that would entail.

Belthazor appeared, clutching four brightly colored volumes in both hands. "It's up to you girls what happens with these."

"Gimme." Johanna lunged for them. He held them out of her reach easily and she crossed her arms. "Not fair. I'm usually taller than people."

Toby looked at the DVDs in his hands wistfully. "Piper's right," she said finally. "Whatever happens with us, we can work it out without a promo. I just don't want to turn into…" She cast a glance at her older self. "I just don't want to have to vanquish my soulmate."

"Hold on," said Paige. "If the Charmed Ones of the past change their future, what'll happen to us?"

"Oh, you'll probably go on living life in some alternate universe," Johanna answered nonchalantly. She paused and shook her head furiously. "See, when you can say that and not think it's strange, you know you've been spending way too much time in Fantasyland."

"Don't say Fantasyland!" Piper hissed. "No mentioning of locations while the P-O-T-I-O-N is being prepared!"

"The person making the potion can't mention locations," corrected Paige. "It's only connected to the preparer."

"We are taking no chances." Piper dropped a sprig of mint into the pot and took a deep breath. "All rightie. Do we have a spell?"

"Yep." Prue handed her a battered-looking notebook. "Phoebs, you've gotten really good at the wording of these, by the way."

Phoebe shrugged. "None of the stuff in there worked, though."

"I combined a few." Prue shook her head, her dark hair glistening. "This would have been so much easier if one of us had the Book."

Piper read over her sister's scribbling. "Looks good. Let's consult the Enchantress on the color…" She grinned at Paige. "I'm sorry for the way I've been."

"It's okay. I'd hate me too." Paige returned the smile before examining the bubbling liquid. "Well, it's red. That's good."

"That's what transported us, right?" Phoebe questioned. "And the green brought Toby and Pipita and Belthazor and Prue here, right?"

''From what I remember."

"Well, then." Piper nodded. "Everybody gather 'round. Spell time."

The five other witches and two demons crowded around the table. For a long moment no one said anything.

"I'm gonna miss you." Phoebe wrapped Prue in a hug. "I love you."

"I love you too." Prue took Phoebe's hands in hers. "You've been through so much. I couldn't be more proud of you. And _you_." She looked over the Pipers. "You're gonna change so much. I…wow."

Piper embraced her older sister. "I miss you so much."

"Where's my camera?" Johanna looked around frantically. "Screw the camera, where's the camcorder?"

As per usual, she was ignored.

"Paige." Prue smiled at the redhead. "You're gonna be fine."

"I'm so glad I got to meet you," she said shakily.

"Me too."

Toby looked at her older self. "I guess we've got a lot to work through in the future, huh?"

"We'll do fine," Phoebe said. "Follow your heart."

"Speaking of hearts," said Johanna pointedly, "what're you gonna do about Cole?"

"What I should have done in the first place."

"Which is?"

Phoebe smiled. "You'll just have to watch the rest of season five to find out." She took Cole's hand. "For now, let's do this thing."

"And how does it work exactly?" Pipita asked.

"Well," began Piper, "we say the spell and hope for an explosion."

"Wait," said Toby. "No drinking of any kind? No throwing of bottles? It seems way too easy."

"I'm trying to follow what Paige did with the first two," said Piper. She looked around and took a deep breath. "Ready?"

"No!" yelped Johanna. She turned to the Coles. "Okay. Listen closely. You are fabulous and I love you. Seriously. You have made my entire life."

Belthazor cocked an eyebrow. "Thank you?"

Phoebe elbowed Cole and gave him a mischievous grin.

"Should I?" he asked.

"Go for it." Phoebe's grin widened.

And Cole literally swept Johanna off her feet into a forties-style liplock that ended in a dramatic dip. Pipita's eyebrows shot up into her hairline and Prue and Paige smothered giggles.

"This is going beyond disturbing," muttered Piper.

Cole and Johanna came up for air then, and she looked at him in amazement. "_Where _is that friggin' camera?" she screeched.

"Mental picture," suggested Piper. "Now. Let's go. I would like to see Leo before I reach my third trimester."

Prue sighed. "I'd love to live to see my niece."

"Maybe you will," Toby said, shrugging her shoulders.

"One more thing." Johanna grabbed Phoebe and extracted a black Sharpie from the pocket of her jeans. She scribbled _Cole--Polka--Porch _on the Charmed One's left palm. "So it'll jog your memory if you forget," she explained.

"Thanks." Phoebe looked sheepishly at the Swede. "For everything."

"Anytime." She grinned at them. "Come back and visit."

"Okay." Prue looked at Piper. "Let's do this."

Phoebe squinted at the yellow paper. "Geez, Prue. I forgot how hard your writing is to read."

"Deal with it."

The six began to chant, Belthazor and Cole looking at each other hopefully.

_Magic forces black and white_

_Reaching out through space and light._

_Be it far or be it near, _

_Send us home, our cries you'll hear._

Piper closed her eyes. "I want all of us to go back to where we're supposed to be."

There was a poof of smoke. Everyone ducked,

When they stood up, they were greeted with…

"And now you wrecked the kitchen!"

_A/N: …and the Charmed Ones thought they would be so lucky as to get home on their first collective try. Heh. They have plenty more adventures in store. Nothing is ever easy. _

_Why do I always type this in the dead of night? It's 2:28, for crying out loud!_

_And your Charmed quotes for the day (night? …whatever):_

"_All right, don't call me sweetie. You cannot hold a person hostage and call them sweetie."_

"_Okay. I like the sound of that. Slutty and manipulative. That's better than evil any day." _

_Why am I reading season five quotes?? They're making me sad. _

_Season three is much better._

"_Wait a minute. So Cole is risking his life to maintain stock portfolios?"_

"_Okay, what was I supposed to say? That some unknown demon came in to try to steal our magic book and then little trolls came and pushed us down the stairs?"_

_I'm done now. Hey, name the episode/character who said it and you get…oh, I don't know. You get my eternal respect? How's that sound? _


	18. The First Thanksgiving

_**Woot! One hundred absolutely fabuful (that's a cross between "fabulous" and "beautiful) reviews! To everybody reading, thank you thank you thank you for your support, enjoyment, and general greatness. **_

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Seventeen: The First Thanksgiving**

It was a solemn crowd that congregated in Johanna's bedroom that afternoon. Cole, Phoebe, Paige, Prue, and Pipita had claimed the bed while Belthazor and Toby shared an oversized pink pillow. Piper paced, her boots clunking on the hardwood floor.

"That should have worked," Piper said, as if she was stuck on 'repeat.' "It should have. It was perfect."

"It didn't," sighed Toby. "So we've gotta get home some other way."

"We're screwed."

"Positive attitude," Johanna urged.

"We're _positively _screwed."

"Come on," said Belthazor. "You girls are the conglomeration of the most powerful magic ever. You can figure out how to get back to where you belong."

"Because it's worked so well in the past." Piper threw her hands in the air in disgust. "I don't even know where to start."

"Then let us," Prue offered. "You just relax…breathe…and the Phoebes and Paige and I can take care of it."

Piper looked at her sister, too tired to argue. "Would you?" she asked, relieved. "Really?"

"You bet." Prue smiled. "Your main priority for the rest of the week is taking it easy."

"Sleeping," added Phoebe.

"Reliving our relationship with Leo." Pipita held up season two of _Charmed_. "The post-Dan years."

"All right." Piper nodded. "Fine. But if you need me, you have to tell me, okay?"

"You'll probably hear the shouts of 'How did that happen?'" Johanna commented. "And the explosions. And my father's angry remonstrations."

"Speaking of," Cole said, "do you have any family coming over tonight?"

Johanna froze, as if Piper had suddenly regained her powers. A sound that sounded like "_Crap_" escaped from her unmoving lips as she appeared to remember that it was, indeed, the Day Of Turkey, Cranberry Sauce, And Stuffing.

"I take it that means yes," commented Belthazor.

"You people have to stay up here tonight," said Johanna weakly. 'Honestly. The whole Carlson/Nelson contingent is converging for a feast in, like, two hours. They're loud and obnoxious and that's just the surface. If you meet them, you will be forever changed. And not in a good way."

"You don't have to twist our arms," said Paige. "I think your father would kill us if we invaded the holiday."

Prue nodded. "We'll stay away, don't worry."

"Even though the lack of Midwestern charm may kill us," Toby put in.

"Okay." Johanna exhaled. "All right. I'm gonna go change. You eight, just…stay. And please…" She held her hands out imploringly. "Be good."

**XXX**

A scant hour and a half later, after three outfit changes, Johanna clonked downstairs in a pair of round-toed black heels, a black dress, and a teal jacket that could pass as velvet if squinted at correctly. As the sounds of her relatives drifted into the entryway, she had the urge to lock herself in her room and watch "Chick Flick" with her visitors.

But she couldn't, not due to the fact that her deep family ties took over, but more thanks to Hazel Nelson.

"_There _she is!" The beehived woman swooped in from the porch and embraced Johanna with a gust of Eau de Minnesota Grandmother. "You're…dear God, you're getting slender!'

"Thank you." Johanna smiled, biting back the urge to reply, _You're not_.

"There was awhile in sixth grade--"

"I think Aunt Selma's trying to pass off your casserole as her own," Johanna said hurriedly, desperately wanting to distract the conversation from her not-so-Twiggyish younger years. "She's in the kitchen."

"Hag," spat Hazel before bustling off to kindle the first of the evening's many familial spats.

"Johanna," someone hissed from the stairs. The redhead turned to see Phoebe leaning over the railing.

"Yes?" Johanna asked cautiously.

"I know I said it before," began Phoebe sheepishly, "but I needed to again. Thank you. For…the whole Cole thing. For saying something."

She smiled. "You're welcome. Now, you'd better go upstairs before Uncle Doug gets his sights set on you. He thinks he's quite the charmer."

Phoebe grimaced. "Have fun with your family."

"I always do," Johanna said brightly, steeling herself for what was to come.

**XXX**

"Hey, Marilyn! You got any more of that meat?"

"And I am telling you, it just took dat roof right off of dat barn dere."

"So I says, 'Well, Don, you better take and get some life insurance right quick, because the good Lord'll come and snatch you up quicker than me!' '

"Who the hell let this cat in?"

"I think the soybean futures are a load of--"

"_Johanna! _Get the damn cat off the table!"

"This is amazing," Phoebe said incredulously as she crouched next to the heat vent positioned directly above the dining room in Marilyn and John's bedroom. "I could do an entire column on bad grammar."

"It's kinda like one of those old radio shows," commented Cole.

"All we need is somebody narrating," added Toby with a grin.

"What's going on?" a crackly voice asked from the dining room.

"We're eating dinner, Carl!" a shrewish-sounding woman screeched. "And you're dribbling your gravy!"

"There you go," snorted Phoebe.

Cole and Belthazor gave each other identical looks of shock.

**XXX**

"So what grade are you in?" the balding Marlin Nelson asked Johanna. "Seventh? Eighth?"

"Tenth," she corrected with all the politeness she could muster. Truth be told, the afternoon wasn't going as terribly as it could have been. No one had dredged up any nasty issues of the past, the cat had been relegated back outside, and the table leaves had yet to fall out like they had last Christmas. Things were…dare she think it? Things were almost normal.

"Already!" Herbert Carlson crowed, slapping his granddaughter's shoulder with his weathered hand. "Smart as a whip."

Johanna smiled. "I try."

"_Carl_!" Bernice Carlson shouted at her husband. "Wake up!"

The elderly man jerked out of his slumber. "I'm awake."

Well…as normal as one could hope for.

"You know," Collette Nelson began, "I haven't been in this house in ages. Is everything upstairs still the same?"

"More or less," answered Marilyn. "We did re-paint the bathroom, though. Made it a little less dingy."

"Really? I'd love to see how it looks."

"No!" Johanna said hurriedly. "I mean, it's basically the same as it was before. Nothing to go up those creaky stairs for. Now the _downstairs _bathroom. That is spectacular. We spackled in August. That is definitely worth a view."

The entire table looked at her oddly.

"I'm, uh, planning on going into interior design," Johanna explained lamely.

**XXX**

"I can do this," Prue said to herself, looking around Piper and Pipita's empty room for confirmation. "I have magical blood in me. That means I can tap into it, right?"

The only answer was a requisition for more yams from downstairs.

Prue answered her own question with a nod as she arranged herself on the bed. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, trying to pull some semblance of witchiness up from inside her. After all, it had to be there, just like when they went back to colonial times.

A tingly energy ran through her body. This was good, she decided. This was what it felt like when she first used her powers.

_Concentrate._

The tingling grew stronger. It was as if there was a geyser inside of her, ready to erupt. It begged to be channeled into something active.

_Concentrate._

_Concentrate. _

_Concen--_

"Johanna, the cat's in again!"

The tingling exploded. Prue felt herself split and when she opened her eyes, she wasn't in the bedroom anymore. Instead, she was facing a dozen of Johanna's shocked relatives.

"it worked," she squeaked.

A gray-haired woman with a bad perm and a light pink sweater gasped. "Is that a ghost?" she questioned asthmatically.

"I've seen worse," appraised a balding brunette man in a too-tight blue T-shirt, looking Prue over in what seemed to be an attempt at suavity.

Marilyn and John glared at Johanna in unison as she entered the room, cat hair dusting her jacket.

"I…I…" Prue struggled to begin a sentence. This was gonna be tough to explain.

"What are you all looking at?" Johanna asked calmly, narrowing her eyes at her family.

"There's somebody standing right next to you!" insisted a woman who looked like she'd popped out of 1962.

"I don't see anyone," Marilyn said innocently. "Do you, John?"

"No," he growled grudgingly

Johanna shot Prue a quick glance that clearly was an order to return to her body. Prue exhaled and felt herself snap back together.

"I did it," she breathed. "It worked."

"Prue?" Toby opened the door to the room suspiciously. "What did you just do?"

Her older sister grinned. "I've still got it!" she proclaimed.

"You've still got what?" asked Paige, sticking her head in from her bedroom.

"I can astral project," Prue said excitedly. "I just did. To…" She trailed off. "Well, I still can't control it that well."

Paige cocked an eyebrow.

"Okay," Phoebe said, joining Toby in the doorway. "Why is Johanna babbling that their house is built over a spiritual nexus that makes people see things that aren't there?"

"Let's let our sister explain, shall we?" Toby wrapped her arm over Phoebe's shoulder and looked to Prue expectantly.

**XXX**

"Good night, Grandma," Johanna said, shutting Hazel's car door gently. "'Night, Grandpa," she called to Olaf, whose Norwegian accent was sure to haunt her dreams.

Marilyn watched her parents' sturdy brown station wagon lurch away. "How long do you suppose these people are staying?" she asked her daughter.

"Well, you know Aunt Phyllis and goodbyes--"

"I _meant_," Marilyn said, "your people."

"The ones that magically appeared during dinner," added John from the doorway, his breath coming out in annoyed white puffs.

"Well, if Prue has her powers back…" Johanna paused. "That's weird, actually. She's in our world. And magic doesn't really exist here, does it?"

John shut his eyes momentarily. "Nuts," he muttered. "My daughter is nuts."

**XXX**

"Are they gone?" Pipita asked the thunking footsteps of Johanna.

"Yep," the tired-looking teenager answered.

"Johanna!" Prue said. She stood up from the silver steamer trunk. "Look, I'm sorry about what happened, but this is good. This means we're still in touch with our world."

"You ever get the feeling we're in the sci-fi channel?" Pipita questioned.

"Everyone more or less believed what I told them about the Nexus," Johanna assured Prue. "Especially when you disappeared and Doug and Marlin got into a fight over what your bra size is."

She shuddered. "Yuck."

The door to Johanna's room opened and Piper, looking far less tense than she had four hours ago, looked at her family curiously. "What's going on out here?" she asked.

"More than what's been going on for the past few weeks," replied Phoebe.

"Huh?" Piper asked.

Prue shook her head. "It's tomorrow's story."

_A/N: My internet is being quite stupid at the moment (urghhhh) , so you will hopefully see this sometime later today. _

_And yes…Johanna's family is basically my own family if we got off our lazy rear ends and celebrated holidays together. Although, it's probably better that we don't. _

_Thanks again to everyone that's been reading along on this little adventure! You never cease to make me happy._

_(And getting my INTERNET back would ALSO make me happy!)_

**…_and then a later author's note (ooh, a two-parter!)…_**

_My classes start tomorrow (or today, if you read this after midnight), so that means I'm back to the daily grind. But have no fear, for unlike last year, I am now in possession of a computer! So, thankfully, your reading pleasure will not be disrupted. Feel free to give me a kick to get me going, or you can always check my profile/blog (which has its' address on my profile…and come __**on**__, Microsoft Word, how can you not know the word "blog"?) for updates on my status. _

_And have no fear! I will never desert you! Thank you for an amazing summer!_


	19. Inspiration Squared

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Eighteen: Inspiration Squared**

"No. No. No!" Johanna shouted at the television set, now playing the film of the evening. "Don't stop the car, you moron, go and have your affair and then get into a fight later! Better alive but a sleazeball than dead but moral!"

Pipita looked at her curiously. "What do they teach you at your school?"

Johanna put her head in her hands as the onscreen Julian McMahon ignored her advice. "I hate this movie," she moaned.

"What, are the rest of us not in anything?" Prue asked from the brown armchair she was sharing with a three-legged cat that had attempted to scratch everyone but her.

"You don't really have the best track record of staying in shows for the long haul," admitted Johanna.

"Huh." Prue crossed her arms.

"But Rose McGowan has done stuff," continued Johanna. "Speaking of, I wonder if we have any popsicles."

"Huh?" Pipita asked.

Johanna shook her head. "Never mi-aigh!" She grabbed Cole's hand. "You're not dead. You're not dead."

"You're gonna be if you don't let go of him," chuckled Prue, noticing the disgruntled look on the man's face.

The phone trilled from the dining room. There was a proclaim from Toby that she'd get it as she sprinted from her bedroom to the cordless. "Hello?" she trilled.

"'Why is Alyssa Milano answering your phone?'" muttered Johanna. "'Oh, no reason, she's just a cousin.'"

"Johanna," said Toby, trotting into the living room. "For you."

The fast-fading redhead grabbed the black phone. "Hello?" she asked, and a grin spread across her face. "Milton! I have not talked to you since seventh hour! How goes your life?"

"Is that supposed to be flirting?" Toby asked Cole.

He snorted. "Have you ever heard them talk to each other? Complete sentences. Grammar. Complete trash."

"Hey." Johanna covered the mouthpiece. "We both happen to have ninety-nines in English and are planning on keeping it that way."

The occupants of the room consecutively rolled their eyes.

XXX

It was later that night when a scream echoed throughout the top floor of the Carlson home. The scream was followed by a thump and a growl.

Phoebe and Belthazor exchanged glances. "Not touching it," they said in unison.

Piper sat down next to them on the bed. "Same here."

"Me either." Paige raised her hand in agreement.

But like it or not, they did have to deal with it. Johanna barreled into the green bedroom and flung her notebook at Belthazor. "Demons do math, right? Fix this!"

He glanced down at the mutilated piece of paper. "Did you try to fillet this?"

"It's geometry," she said. "It's evil. It's Satan himself."

"Are these supposed to be triangles?"

"They were before I turned them into pentagrams."

Paige looked over Belthazor's shoulder. "Please tell me you're not planning on going into architecture."

"I. Hate. Math." Johanna enunciated each word sharply.

"What grade do you have in this class?" asked Phoebe.

Johanna crossed her arms. "What's your ex-husband's name start with?"

"Ooh." Phoebe furrowed her eyebrows.

"Like you did any better," snorted Piper.

"Let me see your book," Paige told Johanna.

She tossed the orange hardcover at her. "Page ninety-seven."

As Paige tried to decipher Johanna's homework, Belthazor flipped through Johanna's notebook. "Do you ever take actual notes in this class or do you just draw pictures?"

"Hey," she said. "Earning my grades happens to be a delicate process."

"Right," chortled Cole from the doorway. "Your eyes glazed over when I taught. I hate to think what you look like on a normal day."

"Hey." Phoebe gave him a small smile. "What've you been up to?"

"John and I were down in the basement," he answered.

"Why?" both Phoebe and Johanna questioned.

"He needed some help fixing a pipe," he responded. "A thinly veiled excuse to grill me on my history, but I think I managed to get on his good side."

"How?" Piper asked.

Cole grimaced. "I turned the conversation over to George Strait."

Johanna's head thunked against the wall. "Did he sing for you?"

Cole nodded and cringed. "Not the best I've ever heard," he said mildly.

"Prime factorization," Paige muttered.

"Uh, from the little I actually picked up in the sixth hour from hell," began Phoebe, "prime factors aren't part of geometry."

"No." Paige shook her head, tapping a page with her left index finger. "There's a section of algebra review, and it talks about prime factors."

"Prime factors?" Johanna questioned. "We're talking about circumscribed angles. Where are you?"

Paige stood up with the book. "You can't divide a prime factor by anything but itself and one, right?" she mused thoughtfully.

"Don't look at me," Johanna said. "I asked you for help, remember?"

"Right," said Belthazor in answer to Paige's question.

"Then that's it!" Paige exclaimed. "That's how to get out of here!"

"How?" Phoebe, Piper, Cole, Belthazor, and Johanna all asked.

"We're the Power of Three, right?" Paige asked, the idea growing clearer in her mind.

Piper glanced around at the mismatched set of sisters. "As it were, yes."

"And here," Paige continued, "we have six witches instead of three. And six can be divided by one and two and three and six, so it's not a prime factor. So we're not really the Power of Three."

"Right." Phoebe looked at Piper uncertainly. "Do you have any idea what she's getting at?"

"Actually…" Piper trailed off and stood up. "I might."

Phoebe turned her eyes to Johanna. "Do you get it?"

Johanna shook her head. "Nope," she replied simply.

"We need to have the Power of Three," said Piper slowly, "times three. Not the Power of Six, or the Power of Two."

Phoebe raised her eyebrows. "We need three more of us? Isn't that a little overkill?"

"It's worth a shot," Cole said.

"All right." Paige nodded determinedly. "I'm gonna go spread this around.

She left the room, leaving those left behind to ponder the newest development.

"Johanna," Piper said, "doesn't she have your book?"

"I'm distraught." She paused. "I'm over it."

XXX

"The Power of Three Times Three," Toby said. "I like it."

Pipita shook her head. "It's risky. What happens when we bring another set of us into this universe?"

"Not to mention that it's still not going to solve our problem," added Prue. "Whichever set of us we bring, there'll be two of me or two of Paige. And that won't really fit into the whole 'three' idea you've got going."

"Oh." Paige nodded, feeling slightly stupid.

Prue sat down on her cot. "I think we need to try to keep figuring out a spell or a potion that'll get us back to our world without disrupting it more than it already has been."

"It's a good idea, though," Toby said to her younger sister.

Paige sighed. "Yeah."

XXX

It was the next day when a fabulous idea hit Johanna during her study hall. She was in the midst of tinkling out "On My Own" on the piano, Milton was attempting to harmonize on the school's out-of-tune trumpet, and Mr. Smythe was typing a poem to email his girlfriend. She taught elementary school an hour away and was, though he wouldn't admit it to anyone but her, the person he loved most in life. Johanna saw this and was intensely jealous. Not that she had a crush on her music teacher, but she wanted what he and and Lorena had. Her coquettish quasi-dating/flirting with Milton was getting old.

_Stupid Cole and Phoebe_, she mused internally as she clunked some hefty block chords._ They both love each other but now they're stuck in this awkward dating phase and it's gonna take forever for them to get back to how they were and it's gonna take even longer than that to get back home. Not like I mind them being here, but-_

"Uh, Johanna?" Milton questioned. He put the violin down. "Were you ever planning on finishing the song?"

Johanna pulled her fingers, which had been slamming out now-dissonant notes, off of the keyboard. "Sorry. Thinking."

"Hmm," Mr. Smythe said from his desk. "What rhymes with bassoon?"

"Buffoon," suggested Milton.

He nodded and clicked away on his laptop. "How can I make that not sound insulting?" he wondered absently.

Johanna rolled her eyes and played out the beginning notes of "Love Will Keep Us Together," hoping to get her mind off of the people who were at the moment probably wreaking havoc on her home. Unfortunately, the song segued her mind to _Nip/Tuck_, the Julian McMahon thereof, and then quickly to Cole Turner.

"Will this never end?" she moaned.

"'Will you always be my friend?'" Mr. Smythe squinted at the screen. "Nah, doesn't flow."

"Okay, I'm being smothered by the gushiness," said Johanna.

Mr. Smythe shot her a pointed look. "I'm not part of the duo that killed my ears with 'All I Ask Of You' ten minutes ago."

"It's because we didn't transpose it down," Milton said. "I crack in ledger lines."

Johanna looked down at the piano keys thoughtfully. The answer to this whole problem seemed like it was on the tip of her tongue, just waiting to come out.

"Sending," Mr. Smythe proclaimed, tapping his mouse.

"You do realize that you'll see her before she sends you a poem back," Milton pointed out.

"Nope!" Mr. Smythe cackled gleefully. "New message." Within two seconds, his face dropped. "Oh. Spring activities schedule from Principal Ernest."

"Love," Johanna said out loud. "That's it."

"Huh?" both Milton and Mr. Smythe asked.

"That's what we need," she continued. "Not the Power of Three, or the Power of Three Times Three, or the Power of Whatever. We need love! And-and-and love isn't supposed to be divided! It's the prime factorization of emotions between two people!"

"What," Milton began, "are you talking about?"

She stood up, crossed over to him in two easy strides, yanked him up by his plaid shirt collar, and kissed him while Mr. Smythe busied himself with pep band scores. "That," she said breathlessly. "I may want to smack you sometimes, and you may think I'm a nutjob, but that is the basic emotion that we feel for each other."

"Did you put relish on your hotdog at lunch and then eat some chocolate?" Milton asked, a disgusted expression on his face. "Because that was disgusting."

Mr. Smythe let out a short burst of laughter.

"You're missing the point," growled Johanna, briefly wondering if she wanted to regain her 'single' status. "I have just figured out the answers to all of my problems, and I'm not even magical."

And she swished out of the room, leaving both the sophomore and the music teacher gaping after her.


	20. A Break In The Power Outage

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Nineteen: A Break In The Power Outage**

"Love! Love will keep us together. Think of me, babe, whenever…when some sweet-talking boy comes along…words I don't know…look in your heart and let love! …keep us togetherrrrrrr…"

"If she doesn't quit singing that song, she's gonna need more than love to keep her together," Phoebe said, glancing out into the chilly entryway. "And she doesn't even have a coat on."

"And she has ears too," Johanna put in as she shut the piano and trotted over to Phoebe. "Should I tell you my idea?"

"I already told you that Cole and I aren't posing with you for the Carlson family Christmas card."

Johanna rolled her eyes. "No surprise there." She shut the door and shivered. "Why's it so cold in here?"

Phoebe responded with an identical eye roll. "What's your idea?"

"Well, it's not really so much an idea as it is a theory," Johanna said, backtracking a little in her mind. She had forgotten that her brilliant revelation had, as of the moment, no way to be put into the active voice. "Okay. You know how Finola's always talking about trusting in the greatest of all powers?"

"Who?" Phoebe questioned.

"Your mom," Johanna corrected herself. "You know that one time, with Barbas and the swimming pool and Prue wouldn't say that she loved you and then she did?"

"Yeah?"

Johanna paused. "Or wait a minute. Maybe this was Abraxas and the Book of Shadows deal."

"What are you--"

"Or Piper healing Leo in the attic."

"Johanna!" Phoebe snapped. "What are you talking about"

"Love is the greatest of all powers," Johanna said. "And that's what's gonna get you home. Not some stupid potion or spell or both of the above. Stop overthinking the witchy business and let your bond as sisters and lovers--well, not as sisters and lovers together, because that'd be weird…ew--and whatever else guide you."

Phoebe allowed herself one small shudder at Johanna's awkward turn of the phrase before getting to the meat of what she'd said. "You know," she began, "that's not a terrible idea."

**XXX**

"That is a terrible idea."

"Excuse me?" Johanna asked, glaring at Paige.

"All right." Paige held her hands up, as if to shield from the Swede's wrath. "I should not be one to talk about terrible ideas, but if we're gonna use Phoebe and Cole's love to get us back home, it'll backfire. It always does."

"Who said anything about me and Cole?" Phoebe asked.

Paige sat down on her bed. "Please. Look who came up with the idea."

Phoebe cast a glance at the idea-maker. "Well, yeah," she relented.

"I wasn't thinking about you and Cole!" protested Johanna. "I was actually going more along the lines of your sisterly bonds. Although--"

"No." Paige shook her head. "Unless you want us to magically transfer ourselves down to Hell, which is probably what would happen with Captain Destructo at the helm of our journey."

"Hey," Phoebe said. "Cole's trying."

"I didn't mean it like that." Paige sighed and closed her eyes, like she was trying to visualize the words before they escaped her mouth. "I just am saying that your love hasn't exactly been the world's most stable thing."

"Why are suddenly all over this?" Phoebe demanded.

"All right!" Johanna said in a much too perky tone. "Let's go brainstorm!" She motioned to the sisters to follow her and they did, avoiding the other's gaze.

Downstairs, John was flipping the channel between a rodeo, an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies, and an A&E documentary on John Wayne. A bowl of Doritos was in his lap and a glass of milk sat at his side. He was, in a nutshell, chilling. And when John chilled, he would move for no one.

"Where's everyone?" Johanna asked.

"Dunno," John replied.

"How about Mom?"

"Kitchen."

"What're you watching?"

"Stuff."

"Are you breathing?"

"Barely."

Johanna turned to Paige and Phoebe. "He's not gonna be a ton of help."

Phoebe put her hands on her hips. "Piper!" she called. "Cole! Prue! To--"

"Enough," John growled.

The aforementioned people appeared in the living room. "Yeah?" Prue asked.

"Uh…" Phoebe looked at John apprehensively. "Family meeting, porch, now."

**XXX**

"I am freezing," Pipita said, wrapping her arms around herself. "Couldn't we have picked a place with heat?"

"I'm fine," Prue commented.

"That's because you're hogging the blanket," Piper accused, elbowing her sister.

"Does everyone get what I just said?" Johanna asked. She was getting the urge to slam her head against the wall. Six Halliwell females and two Turner males did not make for productive planning.

Toby nodded. "Love. Greatest of all powers. Gotcha."

Prue, who had given two inches of the blanket to Piper, nodded. "It's so simple."

"So. Grand plans?" Johanna tapped her history notebook with her hot pink pencil, then glanced at it. "'Planned Parenthood'?" she read incredulously. "Where'd this come from?"

"I confess!" Piper exclaimed. "I'm pregnant!"

"Oh, yeah." Johanna nodded sagely. "I got it from the study hall room."

"What kind of school do you go to?" Toby demanded.

The rest of the night was spent bottling brilliance.

**"_L" Is For The Way You Look At Me!  
_****"_O" Is For The Only One I See!  
_****"_V" Is Very Very EXTRAordinary!  
_**_**And "E" Is Even More Than----**_

_Okay. Time to work. _

_Calling A Lost Love Spell…Piper to Leo?_

_Incorporating Shakespeare into a spell?_

"Somehow I don't think that's how the Bard wanted his legacy to carry on."

_Using Piper's baby to connect to Leo/home somehow?_

"Why are we using me as the key to all of this?"

_Sisterly connection. Something. _

"You know, this shouldn't be that hard. You guys have had five years of practice."

**XXX**

The next day, Piper and Phoebe went to work after leaving the six left behind with strict instructions to work on their solution to get back to San Francisco without a plane ticket. And for the first hour, that went swimmingly.

"Hmm." Toby shut the December issue of _Cosmopolitan _and uncurled herself her nook in the couch. "I wonder if Prue wanted us to get started on this without her."

"Probably," Paige yawned.

"Breakfast!" Pipita sang as she trotted from the kitchen to the living room doorway. "Who wants waffles?" She brandished the platter towards Paige.

"All right." Prue strode out from the bathroom to greet the bearer of the waffles. "It's work time."

Toby stood up stiffly. "Don't we get breakfast first?"

"It's noon!" Prue crowed. "Have you guys done _nothing_?"

"I learned that purple's a hot fashion color," Paige offered.

"Hey you." Prue poked the sleeping Cole's shoulder. "Wake up. You're in on this too."

"Paige can write me something," he mumbled into the arm of the chair.

"Unless you want to turn into a toad," Paige began, "write your own."

"We'll collaborate," Belthazor said from the doorway that led to the entryway.

"Where've you been?" Pipita asked.

"I took a walk."

"It's freezing outside."

"My room was hot."

"_All right,_" Prue said again. "Everyone. Up. We have spells to write and not a ton of time to do it. Johanna gets out early today and we know how productive we are when she's around."

"Why's she get out early?" Toby asked.

"Christmas break," answered Paige.

"On the sixteenth?"

"Do I make the schedule?"

"We had a half day on Christmas _Eve_ that one year," said Toby disgruntledly.

"People!" Prue exclaimed. "This is never gonna get done!"

"Relax," Pipita said, extracting a folded piece of paper from her pocket. "I have my love spell done."

Prue took the piece of paper and read aloud:

_Our souls were once intertwined_

_Now I'm lost through space and time._

_Take me back to my Leo._

_As I will, so mote it be-o._

"You did that _and _made waffles?" Paige pursed her lips. "I'm impressed."

"Good!" Prue said. "This is good! Both you and the other Piper can use this to get home. Now all we need is one for the Coles, one for the Phoebes, one for Paige, and one for me. This should be quick."

**XXX**

An hour later, Prue was eating her words.

"But this doesn't specify where I want to send myself!" Toby complained. "I cannot fit all of these variables into this. There's time, there's getting back to the correct universe, there's the memory part. It's much more difficult than it looks."

"At least you know where to start," Belthazor said, tapping his pen on the table absently.

"Hey!" Marilyn snapped from the kitchen. "If I see marks on that wood, you're refinishing it."

"Sorry," he called.

"You don't have _anything_?" Paige peered at his paper. "'Words That Rhyme With Home,'" she read. "'Gnome, foam, roam, comb, Nome.'"

"I'm sorry!" he protested. "I'm only good with spells in dead languages."

"Dead languages for dead things," Prue muttered, flicking her hair away from her face. "I think mine's too rhyme-y."

"What do you have?" Toby asked.

Prue cleared her throat.

_A sister met, perspective gained._

_Nothing left here to be attained._

_I leave this place_

_Evil ready to face._

"Unless you want to end up in the midst of some demonic duel," Cole began, "re-write the last two lines."

"Okay, if you're so good at this, help him." Prue pointed to Belthazor.

Cole screeched his chair over to his younger self.

"Watch the _floor_!" Marilyn shrilled. "We just had it refinished in June!"

"Why is she home?" Pipita whispered.

"It's her day off," said Paige.

"Can't she have it somewhere else?"

"How about this?" Toby put her pen down and recited:

_The place of my childhood, the place of my youth._

_The place where I lost my first tooth._

_Take me back to whence I begun._

_San Francisco, California, 2001. _

"That's…" Prue shrugged. "Workable."

"The grammar's a little off," Belthazor said, leaning over his girlfriend's shoulder and putting his coffee cup down on the table.

"Coaster!" Marilyn reprimanded.

"Sorry," he growled.

Pipita gestured annoyedly at the woman. "Does she ever shut up?"

"Must be where Johanna gets it from," Prue commented. She looked at Paige, who was staring into the kitchen with her jaw hanging open. "What?"

"Didn't you…didn't you say something about getting your power to astral project back?" Paige asked.

"Yeah, but what's that have to do with--"

"Look."

Five sets of eyes swiveled to what she was looking at: Marilyn, frozen in mid-stoop to the bottom shelf of the refrigerator.

"Did I do that?" Pipita asked tentatively.

"Either that or she's a robot with a broken controller," said Cole. "And given that this isn't _Doctor Who_, I'd guess the first one."

Prue looked at him. "You've really gotta lay off the cable."

"I can freeze!" Pipita, who'd ignored the last exchange, looked down at her hands in amazement. "I've got my powers!"

"Try to unfreeze her," urged Toby.

Pipita waved her hands at Marilyn again. The woman yanked a head of lettuce out of the refrigerator, shut the door, and looked suspiciously into the dining room. "Do you need something?" she questioned.

"No," they answered simultaneously.

"If you say so." Marilyn glared at Belthazor. "_Coaster!_"

**XXX**

_Dear Homewrecker,_

_I think my husband is in love with you. He clips out your columns and blew up your picture from the paper into an 8x12. Before you came, we had a happy marriage. Now you've shot that to hell. I hope you're happy with yourself._

_Sincerely,_

_Mrs. Ronald VeDoe _

Phoebe regarded the letter for a moment. "I think that goes in the reject pile."

Sadly, the reject pile was much, much larger than the pile of letters to be answered. Her gray metal desk that looked like it had popped out of the elevator's office (scrawled on the surface were things like "TRAIN FOR MINNEAPOLIS THURSDAYS AT 2" and "DON'T LET BOB PUT HIS HORSERADISH NEXT TO ORSON'S SANDWICH") was overflowing with letters from Ark's citizens. Some asked her about her about her beauty tips, a few proposed romantic dates to Pizza Ranch, and others, like this one, were from passive aggressive farmwives.

"Miss Francisco?" Don Dent, the head writer, stuck his head into the supply closet that served as the advice columnist's office. "Your sister's out here."

"Which one?" Phoebe asked.

Don furrowed his eyebrows. "She has brown hair," he said at last.

"Send her in," Phoebe sighed, mentally eliminating Paige. She hoped that it wasn't her younger self. Older dead siblings she could explain. A double? Not so much.

Thankfully, it was Piper that appeared. She pushed past Don and shut the door. "You will never believe what just happened to me."

"Besides getting me fired for breaking a coworker's nose?" Phoebe peered out the door's slightly frosted window. "He looks fine. Little stunned."

"Never mind!" Piper threw her hands in the air and the ceiling light exploded. Both sisters shrieked.

Phoebe covered her head with her hands. "You got your powers back?"

"Apparently." Piper moved away from the now-dangling wires. "I was in the café, minding my own business and making coffee when Loni dropped a pan or something. So I jumped and then the freaking coffee pot exploded! And she didn't know what was going on and everyone was staring so I just left."

"But you have your powers?" Phoebe pressed.

"_Obviously_!"

Before Piper could unleash her explosions on anything else in the office, Marge opened the door and stuck her head in. "What were you saying about power?" he asked.

"Uh…" Phoebe cast her glance up at the defunct light. "This went poof so you'd, uh, better shut the power off in here. You know, don't want to start a fire."

"Darn wiring." Marge shook her head. "I'll get on that."

"We need to leave now," said Piper pointedly. "Phoeb--_Fifi _and I have some family stuff to take care of."

"We do?" Phoebe asked.

"The _ells-spay_," Piper intoned, "with our _isters-say_."

"Right." Phoebe nodded. "Can I--"

Marge nodded. "You should get out of here. Don't want that hair to go up in flames." She smiled in what appeared to be an attempt to look pleasant. "I think it'd be a good idea for you to take the rest of the day off. But don't forget to e-mail me your column before six."

With that, she plodded away.

"Did I _not _just…" Piper trailed off and shook her head. "Never mind. Let's go before I blow something else up."

_A/N: Merry Christmas to all! My goal was to get this up sometime between the 24__th__ and 25__th__, and I have actually accomplished that! _

_I hope you all have had fabulous holidays. Mine have been rather uneventful, but that's fine by me. _

_Anyhoo. See you all in 2009! (Or, God forbid, I actually update something else.) _


	21. Witchery Delayed

**In A Most Unusual Way**

**Chapter Twenty: Witchery Delayed**

"All right," Piper said, striding into the Carlson's dining room with her hands clasped behind her back tightly. "Let's get this love spell thingy going."

"I've got ours," Pipita said. She held up the half sheet of notebook paper covered in four lines of script and twenty lines of mindless doodles. "I figured mine would work for both of us."

"Good." Piper nodded. "Uh, just as a question. Did you happen to, ah, do anything…_unusual_…this morning?"

"Unusual like…" Pipita raised her eyebrows.

"Oh, something with molecules--freezing, exploding, something like that?"

Pipita nodded and jerked her head in the direction of the kitchen. "Ask her."

Phoebe looked at the bustling, flour-covered Marilyn. "Well, since she's still in one piece…"

"Wait a minute." Pipita looked at her older self and sister suspiciously. "What are you talking about? I don't blow things up."

"Yet," muttered Cole.

"What?"

"What if the world ends in 2012?" a tortured voice wailed. The owner of the voice, obviously Johanna, plodded into the dining room defeatedly and dropped her bag on the floor. "What if that seriously happens? Then I won't get to graduate from college or get married or move to Boston! That is gonna _suck_."

"People have been predicting the end of the world since it started," Cole said. He set his glass of iced tea down on the strategically placed coaster.

"I thought Lutherans didn't believe in that crap," added Paige.

"Well, that doesn't mean I can't be paranoid." Johanna crossed her arms. "So what's up with you guys?"

"And with that the paranoia ends?" Piper muttered to her younger self.

"Apparently," she responded.

"Done!" Paige said triumphantly, waving her piece of paper in the air. "My spell is _done_."

"Mine is too. Almost." Prue furrowed her dark eyebrows. "Phoebs, can you read this over?"

"Sure," both of them said, then exchanged grins. Phoebe took the piece of paper, then passed it to Toby. Then in unison, they said, "Looks good."

"Can you picture all of us in the same time for the rest of our lives?" Pipita asked.

"Prue and Paige together forever?" Cole suppressed a shudder. "The universe would implode."

Paige cast a worried glance at her older sister. "Won't we be?"

"Time will tell," Piper said.

"Okay," the voice of John shouted from the kitchen. "Family meeting time."

"What's he doing home?" asked Toby.

"It's his day off," Johanna answered.

"It's his _and _Marilyn's?" Belthazor's face registered slight fear. "How often does that happen?"

"Once a month," said Johanna. "Thankfully. If it was more than that, _I'd _get a job."

"God forbid," Piper commented with a slight smile.

"_Meeting_!" John hollered.

"He's gotten testy every since you people showed up," Johanna muttered as she led the way into the kitchen.

"What are we meeting _about_?" Pipita asked.

"Is everyone here?" John looked at his daughter and the creations of Constance M. Burge. "Marilyn?"

"I'm coming," she said, bustling into the dining room. "What are you hollering about?"

"As….well, _my family _knows…" (John shot a glare at the fictional characters) "…every year, my company holds a conference in the Twin Cities. We're leaving tomorrow. So pack."

"Everyone?" Cole asked.

"I'm not leaving you people alone here," said John. "Remember the little stove incident?"

Toby widened her eyes in exasperation. "You attempt to make soup _once _without supervision--"

"Three rooms are reserved," John went on. "Two beds in each. There's a swimming pool too. Sleep in that if you want to. Just don't talk to anyone wearing a bright green shirt."

Paige curled her lip. "Huh?"

"Everyone that drives milk truck gets a free T-shirt," said John.

"They're terrible." Johanna rolled her eyes. "They've got a cow on the back, drinking out of a milk bottle. Which is sick. What kind of creature drinks its own bodily fluids?"

Marilyn twisted around to flip the calendar from November to December with a slight smirk on her face.

"How many cars are we taking?" Prue asked.

John looked at her as if he'd never considered that question. (Which, in all actuality, he probably hadn't.) "Well, there are eight of you. And three of us. So that's eleven. So…"

"Or, uh, Cole and I could stay here," said Phoebe. "Hold down the fort and whatnot."

"Emphasis on the 'whatnot.' " Toby shot a sly glance at her older self.

Marilyn and John shot their own glances at each other. For one fearful moment Johanna thought that her parents were considering their own type of "whatnot," but then realized that they were mentally debating the pros and cons of leaving the two in their home unsupervised.

"If there are any holes in my roof when we get back, I'll nail your hands to the countertops," Marilyn said.

"That still has us at nine," Pipita said.

"I can drive." Johanna volunteered. "The Jeep will fit five."

"You're driving in the Cities?" Belthazor cocked an eyebrow. "Watch out, Minneapolis."

"Yeah, I think I'll be riding with you," Prue hissed to Marilyn.

"Fine." John nodded. "We'll be there for three days. Johanna, it's your responsibility to keep these people away from my people. Clear?"

"Like crystal," his daughter replied.

"Good. Now, tomorrow we're leaving at eight A.M. sharp. Everything needs to be packed and loaded in two hours."

The Halliwells looked at each other in horror. The spells that littered the dining room table still had polishing that needed to be done, and they actually had to clear a time in which to perform them. Plus, everything that they'd accumulated while there was strewn about the house.

"But we have stuff to do," said Piper. "Like…um…."

"Cleaning," Prue put in. "Lots and lots of cleaning."

"You can't expect us to pack in two hours," said Toby.

"Be fast," John said. He turned to Marilyn. "Can you help me pick a tie to wear tomorrow?"

As they left (underscored by Cole's muttering of "He knows what a tie is?" and Johanna sighing "He really needs to go on a cruise or something"), Piper groaned. "This isn't gonna work. We don't have enough time."

"Maybe if we push it." Phoebe scanned the spells. "Ouch. Cole, your rhyming's a little….wrong." She glanced at Belthazor's. "And you have one line done? _One?"_

"I'm a little better with Latin, _thank you._" He pulled his paper away from her.

"So obviously this isn't gonna get done until after our vacation," Prue said.

They all nodded with various degrees of annoyance, then decided to go on to something a bit more challenging---packing.

**XXX**

"Do you suppose I'll need a cocktail dress?" Toby asked.

Prue rolled her eyes. "I highly doubt it. It's still Minnesota."

"St. Paul isn't that bad," Pipita said. "We went there once with Grams to visit Aunt Dorothy, remember?"

"Yeah," Piper replied. "We drove in the dead of summer and Phoebe puked in my lap. Fond memories there."

"But it was nice downtown," said Pipita. "And we saw _South Pacific…"_

Johanna poked her head into the orange room. "Don't get your hopes up. I've already exhausted all possibilities of a musical theatre excursion. According to the infinite wisdom of John, I'd have better luck transferring to London for my junior year."

"So we're gonna be stuck in a hotel room for two days?" Paige asked, curling her upper lip.

Johanna grinned. "I can always drive us somewhere."

"Buses." Piper looked at her sternly. "Cities have buses."

"Does no one trust me?" she demanded.

"About as far as I can throw you."

"Okay." Johanna put her hands on her hips. "Part one, I am free transportation. Part two, city driving is _much _easier than country driving, because they tell you _exactly _where to go. Wanna find the Hollisten farm? Good luck. But wanna find the Mall of America? Signs and exits. _Gotcha._"

Cole snorted. "Part three, you're not even out of the state and you're arguing about this."

"No, seriously," Toby said. "Should I bring this dress?"

"Yeah," answered Johanna. "We might go eat. And by 'we' I mean 'us.' Dad's not gonna dare taking us to the dinner."

John's voice drifted through the floor vent ("You have half an hour or you go naked") and Piper grimaced at her empty suitcase. "I'd better get cracking."

"Okay, I have a question," Phoebe said. "Does it seem weird to no one else that we've been here for a month and a half and we haven't changed? Like, at all. I mean, Prue and you guys, you wouldn't have realized it yet, but look at Piper. She doesn't look any more pregnant than she did when we got here. We haven't had to get haircuts or re-color our hair and, well, I haven't shaved since November."

Prue rolled up her left sleeve and examined her arm, the pale skin marred by a purple splotch. "I got this bruise three days before we ended up here."

"Okay, this is gross." Toby shuddered. "New subject."

Johanna pushed up the sleeves of her purple sweatshirt (on it was written "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Triviality"--it had been a Christmas gift from Milton, meaning it would be her most-donned wardrobe item for the next three months) and let out a sudden screech. "Oh my goodness! The touring company of _West Side Story _is gonna be there when we're there! Dad!" she shouted, barreling out of the room.

Cole and Phoebe shot each other identical gazes. Staying out of the upcoming family trip had been the best idea either one of them had had in months.

_A/N: And now, school is over! Yay! Meaning that this might actually have a chance at getting finished. _


End file.
